20 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and Point A Hair  Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone Has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso.

 6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Sexual Favors"

7. Finish All Your Sentences With "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8. Don't Use Any Punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Ask People What Sex They Are. Laugh Hysterically After They Answer.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Hard.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot, Yelling

"Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.......

20. Copy this and Send an  E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile..
It's Called Therapy...

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Lets laugh

An insect fell in a mug of beer:

Englishman : throws the beer out and walks off the bar 
American : throws the insect out and drinks his beer 
Chinese : throws the beer out and eats the insect 
Indian : sells the beer to the American, insect to the Chinese 
and buys a new beer 
Pakistani :-- accuses Indian of throwing the insect in the beer 
-- relates the issue to Kashmir 
-- yells Islam is in danger 
-- asks the Chinese for military aid 
-- asks the American for loan to buy another beer.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Wonderful definitions of designations at office: 

1) Project Manager is a Person who thinks nine women can deliver a baby in One month. 

2) Tool Designer is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a Baby. 

3) Plant Head is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month. 

4) Client is the one who doesn't know why he wants a baby. 

5) Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available. 

6) Value engineering Team thinks they don't need a man or woman; they'll produce a child with zero resources. 

7) Documentation Team thinks they don't care whether the child is delivered, they'll just document 9 months. 

8) Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with the PROCESS to produce a baby. 

And lastly................. 

9) Quality Inspector is a person who always tells his wife that this is not the Right baby.

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Nun going for Halloween party

A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies:
'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you..'

She answers,
'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

She responds,
'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'

'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK.
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.

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Dentist with a sense of humor....

The other day, a gentleman went to a Dentist's office to have a tooth pulled.  The Dentist takes out a freezing needle to give him a shot. 

"No way"! No needles! "I hate needles", the man said. The Dentist starts to  hook up the laughing gas and the man immediately objected.

"I can't do the gas thing either; the thought of having the gas mask on is  suffocating me"! The Dentist then asks the gentleman if he has any objection  to taking a pill.

"No objection", the man said. "I'm fine with pills". The Dentist then returns  and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet". The gentleman, totally at a loss for words,  said in amazement, "WOW"! "I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer"!

"It doesn't", said the Dentist, "but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth"

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Adultery Excitement

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those Headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

“No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me To Stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat

"I do not Have a Headache;

I do not have a headache,

I do not have a headache."

It Worked!   The headaches are all gone."

The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball Of Fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

The husband agrees to try it

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his Clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.

He Puts her on The bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into The Bathroom and comes back. A few minutes later and jumps into bed And makes Passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes Back Into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than The First time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With That, He goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the Bathroom, She sees him standing at the mirror and saying,

"She's not my Wife.

She's Not my wife.

She's not my wife..."

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