Eat your words, please

1. "640K ought to be enough for anybody."  -- Bill Gates, 1981


2. Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."  --Popular
Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949


3. I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."  --Thomas
Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943


4. "I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and walked with
the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that
won't last out the year."  --The editor in charge of business books for
Prentice Hall, 1957


5. "But what ... is it good for?"  --Engineer at the Advanced Computing
Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.


6. "There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."  --Ken
Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977


7. "This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as
a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us."
--Western Union internal memo, 1876.


8. "The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value.  Who would pay
for a message sent to nobody in particular?"  --David Sarnoff's associates
in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.

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Software Problem

In March 1992 a man living in Newton, near Boston, received a bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away. In April he received another and threw that one away, too. The following month the credit card company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his card if he didn't send them $0.00 by return of post. He called them, talked to them, they said it was a computer error and told him they'd take care of it.

The following month our hero decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome credit card figuring that if there were purchases on his account it would put an end to his ridiculous predicament. However, in the first store that he produced his credit card in payment for his purchases, he found that his card had been cancelled.

He called the credit card company who apologized for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it. The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue. Assuming that having spoken to the credit card company only the previous day, the
latest bill was yet another mistake. So he ignored it, and trusted that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out.

The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt. Finally giving in he thought he would play the company at their own game and mailed them a check for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the credit card company nothing at all.

A week later, the man's bank called him asking him what he was doing writing a check for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the bank replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing software to fail.

The bank could not now process ANY checks from ANY of their customers that day because the check for $0.00 was causing the computer to crash. The following month the man received a letter from the credit card company claiming that his check had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a check by return of post they would be taking steps to recover the debt.

The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for her birthday, bought her a typewriter instead.

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Life isn't fair.......

God created the donkey and said to him.
'You will be a donkey. You will work un-tiringly from sunrise to sunset

carrying burdens on your back. You will eat grass, you will have

no intelligence and you will live 50 years.'

The donkey answered: 'I will be a donkey, but to live 50 years is much.

Give me only 20 years'
God granted his wish.
******* 
God created the dog and said to him:
'You will guard the house of man. You will be his best Friend. 
You will eat the scraps that he gives you and you will live 30 years.
You will be a dog. '

The dog answered: 'Sir, to live 30 years is too much,give me only 15 years.'
God granted his wish.
*******

God created the monkey and said to him:
'You will be a monkey. You will swing from branch to branch doing tricks.
You will be amusing and you will live 20 years. '

The monkey answered: 'To live 20 years is too much, give me only 10 years.'
God granted his wish.
*******

Finally God created man ... and said to him:
'You will be man, the only rational creature on the face of the earth.

You will use your intelligence to become master over all the animals.
You will dominate the world and you will live 20 years.'
*******

Man responded: 'Sir, I will be a man but to live only 20 years is very little,

 give me the 30 years that the donkey refused, the 15 years that the dog

did not want and the 10 years the monkey refused.'
God granted man's wish
*******

And since then, man lives 20 years as a man ,
marries and spends 30 years like a donkey,
working and carrying all the burdens on his back.

Then when his children are grown,
he lives 15 years like a dog taking care of the house and eating

whatever is given to him, so that when he is old,

he can retire and live 10 years like a monkey,
going from house to house and from one son or daughter to another

doing tricks to amuse his grandchildren.

That's Life. Is'nt it ??????????

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How to lose weight?

A fellow was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds.  Next thing he sees is an advertisement for a guaranteed weight loss program.  Guaranteed like heck, he thinks to himself. But lets see what they think they can do.

He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3 day, 10 LB weight loss program.

The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nikes and a sign hanging around her neck.  She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.  The sign reads, If you can catch me, you can have me.

Well, without a second thought he takes off after her (like who wouldn't). A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.  After they are through he kisses the girl one last time and thinks to himself with a nod, I like the way this company does business.

For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time.  On the fourth day, he weighs himself and, sure enough, he has lost 10 pounds.  Deciding that he likes his somewhat more slender physique, not to mention the method of treatment, he calls the company back  and subscribes to their 5 day, 20 LB weight loss program. He thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems
like a lot, but he is intrigued by what their workout schedule might be like this time.

As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When he answers it there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in nothing but a pair of Reeboks and a sign hanging around her neck. She is simply stunning, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen.  She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, If you can catch me, you can have me. He's out the door like a shot. This gal is in excellent shape and it takes a while to catch her.  But when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze.  She is wonderful, the best he has ever had. He is really looking forward to the next four days... For the next four days, the same girl shows up
and the same thing happens each time, much to his delight.  On the sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost another 20 pounds.  I love this company, he thinks to himself, I never knew losing weight could be so easy and so much fun.

Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and
subscribe to the companies 7 day, 50 pound weight loss program. Are
you sure, sir? asks the representative on the phone. This is our most
rigorous program. Absolutely, says he, I love your program. haven't
felt  this good in years!  The next day there comes a knock at his
door and he enthusiastically answers it. There stands before him a 200
pound perfect specimen of a man dressed in nothing but racing spikes
and a sign around his neck.  He introduces himself as a representative
of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, If I can catch you, I can have you.

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My Fiancee's mother

Dear friend Abby:

I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month. 
My fiancée’s mother is not only very attractive [read Hot!] but really great and 
understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited
me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a
bit beyond what we had expected it to be. When I got to her place, we 
reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred... then
she floored me. She said that in a month I would be a married man and 
that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me.

Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said
that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave. I stood
there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly
how to deal with this situation.

I headed straight out the front door........ ....... 
There, leaning against my car, was her husband, my father-in-law to be.
He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a 
good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and
he congratulated me on passing their little test. Abby, should I tell
my fiancee what her parents did, and that I thought their "little test" 
was asinine and insulting to my character?

Or should I keep the whole thing to myself, including the fact that the 
reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom?

Signed,

Confused

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Blonde joke

Yesterday I came back to my office from Court. There was a new
secretary (a very attractive blonde) in the office down the hall from
me.

She flagged me down and asked for help. "My floppy drive won't work,
can you help me ?" she asked. I told her I'd take a look and
proceeded over to her machine, where I found shredded up clear
plastic Baggie-like stuff hanging out of her 3.5" floppy drive.

While I spent the next 20 minutes getting out her disk and digging
out the plastic, I noticed two guys, John and Dave, in the hall
trying awfully hard to keep straight faces. Suspecting some mischief,
I asked her how the plastic got into the drive.

"Oh, you mean the condom!", she said. "Condom???", I asked. "Yes,
John & Dave over there told me to always put a condom on my disk
before inserting it, to prevent catching viruses."

By this point, John & Dave were roaring, and it was all I could do to
keep from joining them. The "condom" turned out to be a standard 3.5"
plastic sleeve. I delicately explained to her that a practical joke
had been played, and she shouldn't do that anymore, when she asked
(as serious as one could be), "Does that mean I don't have to stroke
it ten times or blow on it either???"

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The Middle Wife

I 've been teaching now for about fifteen years.

I have two children myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell.

So, I always have a few sessions with  my students.

It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame.

Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that.

And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them.

If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're  welcome.

Well, one day a little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing child, took her turn and waddled up to the front of the class with a pillow  stuffed under her sweater.

She held up a snapshot of an infant.

'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'

'First, Mum and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mum's stomach, and Luke grew in there.

He ate for nine months through an 'umbrella cord.' 

She was standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I was trying not to laugh  was and that wishing I had my camcorder with me.

The kids are watching her in amazement.

'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mum started saying and going,

'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' 

Erica put a hand behind her back and groaned.

'She walked around the house for, like an hour, saying

'Oh, oh,  oh!'

Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.

'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mum to lie down in bed like this.'

Then, Erica laid down with her back against the wall. 

'And then, pop! My Mum had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!'

This kid had her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away.

It was too much!

'Then the middle wife started saying 'push, push,'  and 'breathe, breathe.

They started   counting, but never even got past ten.

Then, all of a sudden, out came my brother.

He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mum's play-centre, so there must be a heck of a lot of toys inside there.'

Then, Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and  returned to her seat.

I'm sure I applauded the loudest.

Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle  Wife' comes along. 

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How to deal with upcoming events.

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet Dachshund dog along for company.

One day, the Dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the Dachshund discovers that he is lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The Dachshund thinks, "I'm in deep trouble now! Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the Dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here."

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That Dachshund! Nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the Dachshund sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the Dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet... and just when they get close enough to hear,

the Dachshund says........ ......... .....

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."

------------ --

Moral: It doesn't matter what cards you hold but how you play them!!

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