20 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and Point A Hair  Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone Has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso.

 6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Sexual Favors"

7. Finish All Your Sentences With "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8. Don't Use Any Punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Ask People What Sex They Are. Laugh Hysterically After They Answer.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Hard.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot, Yelling

"Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.......

20. Copy this and Send an  E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile..
It's Called Therapy...

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Three Parrots

A man wanted to buy a parrot for his son as a birthday present.

The next day he went to the pet shop and saw three identical parrots in a cage.

He asked the clerk, "how much for the parrot on the right?

The owner said it was Rs. 2500.

"Rs. 2500.", the man said. "Well what does he do?

"He knows how to use all of the functions of Microsoft Office 2000, responds the clerk.

"He can do all of your spreadsheets and type all of your letters."

The man then asked what the second parrot cost.

The clerk replied, Rs. 5000, but he not only knows Office 2000,

but is an expert Dot Net Programmer

Finally, the man inquired about the cost of the last parrot.

The clerk replied, "Rs. 10,000."

Curious as to how a bird can cost Rs. 10,000, the man asked what this bird's specialty was.

The clerk replies, "Well to be honest I haven't seen him do anything and I really don’t know about his expertise.

But the other two call him "BOSS"!!

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A family....

A family-

Youngest son to his father : dad, what’s the difference between “hypothetically” and ”reality” , dad turns to wife: would u sleep with Tom Cruise for $ 1 Million? Wife: of course! I would never waste such an opportunity. Then dad asks daughter: would you sleep with Tom cruise for $ 1 Million? Daughter: yes, he is my fantasy. Dad asks elder son: would you sleep  with Tom Cruise for $ 1 Million? Elder son: why not? Imagine what I could do with that money!! Father turns to his younger son: you see son “hypothetically” we are sitting with $ 3 Million but in ”reality” we are living with 2 prostitutes and 1 gay bastard!

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Effective weight loss program

A fellow was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds.  Next thing he sees is an advertisement for a guaranteed weight loss program.  Guaranteed like heck, he thinks to himself. But let’s see what they think they can do.

He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3 day, 10 LB weight loss program. The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nikes and a sign hanging around her neck.  She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.  The sign reads, If you can catch me, you can have me. Well, without a second thought he takes off after her (like who wouldn't).

A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.  After they are through he kisses the girl one last time and thinks to himself with a nod, I like the way this company does business.

For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time.  On the fourth day, he weighs himself and, sure enough, he has lost 10 pounds.  Deciding that he likes his somewhat more slender physique, not to mention the method of treatment, he calls the company back  and subscribes to their 5 day, 20 LB weight loss program. He thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems like a lot, but he is intrigued by what their workout schedule might
be like this time.

As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When he answers it there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in nothing but a pair of Reeboks and a sign hanging around her neck. She is simply stunning, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen.  She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, If you can catch me, you can have me.

He's out the door like a shot. This gal is in excellent shape and it takes a while to catch her.  But when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze.  She is wonderful, the best he has ever had. He is really looking forward to the next four days... For the next four days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time, much to his delight.  On the sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost another 20 pounds.  I love this company, he thinks to himself, I never knew losing weight could be so easy and so much fun.

Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and subscribe to the companies 7 day, 50 pound weight loss program. Are you sure, sir? asks the representative on the phone. This is our most rigorous program. Absolutely, says he, I love your program. haven't felt  this good in years!

The next day there comes a knock at his door and he enthusiastically answers it. There stands before him a 200 pound perfect specimen of a man dressed in nothing but racing spikes and a sign around his neck.  He introduces himself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, if I can catch you, I can have you.

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OIL or 710

 A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred- ten. 

We all looked at each other and another customer asked, 'What is a seven-hundred- ten?' 
She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one..' 

She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there. 

The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. 

She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. H e then took her over to a car just like hers which had its hood up and asked 'is there a 710 on this car?' 

She pointed and said, 'Of course, its right there.' 

If you're not sure what a 710 is 






Scroll down    

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Interview for Government job

Gopal goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. 


The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" 


He replies, "Yes - coffee." 


"Have you ever been in the military service? 


"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for two years." 


The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points towards employment." 

Then he asks,"Are you disabled in any way?" 
Gopal says,"Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles." 


The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. To 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow from 10:00AM every day." 



Gopal is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., why do you want me to start here from10:00 A.M.?" 



"This is a government job," the inter-viewer says, "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point you coming in for that." 

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Lets laugh

An insect fell in a mug of beer:

Englishman : throws the beer out and walks off the bar 
American : throws the insect out and drinks his beer 
Chinese : throws the beer out and eats the insect 
Indian : sells the beer to the American, insect to the Chinese 
and buys a new beer 
Pakistani :-- accuses Indian of throwing the insect in the beer 
-- relates the issue to Kashmir 
-- yells Islam is in danger 
-- asks the Chinese for military aid 
-- asks the American for loan to buy another beer.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Wonderful definitions of designations at office: 

1) Project Manager is a Person who thinks nine women can deliver a baby in One month. 

2) Tool Designer is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a Baby. 

3) Plant Head is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month. 

4) Client is the one who doesn't know why he wants a baby. 

5) Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available. 

6) Value engineering Team thinks they don't need a man or woman; they'll produce a child with zero resources. 

7) Documentation Team thinks they don't care whether the child is delivered, they'll just document 9 months. 

8) Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with the PROCESS to produce a baby. 

And lastly................. 

9) Quality Inspector is a person who always tells his wife that this is not the Right baby.

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Nun going for Halloween party

A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies:
'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you..'

She answers,
'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

She responds,
'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'

'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK.
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.

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Dentist with a sense of humor....

The other day, a gentleman went to a Dentist's office to have a tooth pulled.  The Dentist takes out a freezing needle to give him a shot. 

"No way"! No needles! "I hate needles", the man said. The Dentist starts to  hook up the laughing gas and the man immediately objected.

"I can't do the gas thing either; the thought of having the gas mask on is  suffocating me"! The Dentist then asks the gentleman if he has any objection  to taking a pill.

"No objection", the man said. "I'm fine with pills". The Dentist then returns  and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet". The gentleman, totally at a loss for words,  said in amazement, "WOW"! "I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer"!

"It doesn't", said the Dentist, "but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth"

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Adultery Excitement

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those Headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

“No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me To Stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat

"I do not Have a Headache;

I do not have a headache,

I do not have a headache."

It Worked!   The headaches are all gone."

The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball Of Fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

The husband agrees to try it

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his Clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.

He Puts her on The bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into The Bathroom and comes back. A few minutes later and jumps into bed And makes Passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes Back Into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than The First time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With That, He goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the Bathroom, She sees him standing at the mirror and saying,

"She's not my Wife.

She's Not my wife.

She's not my wife..."

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