Funny Jokes which will make go you ROFL

Bank Robbery

A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands their money. Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man replied, "Yes sir, I did." The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly.

He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man replied, "No sir, I didn't, but my wife did."

Wedding Rehearsal

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the preacher with an unusual offer.
"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to "love, honor and cherish" and "forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever," I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the preacher looks the young man in the eye and says:

"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and vow eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."
The groom leaned toward the preacher and whispered: "I thought we had a deal."
The preacher put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back: "She made me a much better offer."

Deadlock

Boss said to secretary: For a week we will go abroad, so make arrangement.
Secretary make call to Husband: For a week my boss and I will be going abroad, you look after yourself.
Husband make call to secret lover: My wife is going abroad for a week, so let’s spend the week together.
Secret lover make call to small boy whom she is giving private tuition: I have work for a week, so you need not come for class.
Small boy make call to his grandfather: Grandpa, for a week I don't have class 'coz my teacher is busy. Let’s spend the week together.

Grandpa (the 1st boss ;) make call to his secretary: This week I am spending my time with my grandson. We cannot attend that meeting.
Secretary make call to her husband: This week my boss has some work, we cancelled our trip.
Husband make call to secret lover: We cannot spend this week together; my wife has cancelled her trip.
Secret lover make call to small boy whom she is giving private tuition: This week we will have class as usual.
Small boy make call to his grandfather: Grandpa, my teacher said this week I have to attend class. Sorry I can't give you company.
Grandpa make call to his secretary: Don't worry this week we will attend that meeting, so make arrangement. This is called DEAD LOCK

The seven words women use

Below are the 7 words WOMEN uses:-

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

FIVE MINUTES
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

NOTHING
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"

GO AHEAD
This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.

WHATEVER
It's a woman's way of saying *!#@ YOU!

Content copied from internet
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This Father-Daughter Story Shows How GOD Treats His Children

Jenny was a bright-eyed, pretty five-year-old girl.

One day when she and her mother were checking out at the grocery store, Jenny saw a plastic pearl necklace priced at $2.50. How she wanted that necklace and when she asked her mother if she would buy it for her, her mother said, "Well, it is a pretty necklace, but it costs an awful lot of money. I'll tell you what. I'll buy you the necklace, and when we get home we can make up a list of chores that you can do to pay for the necklace. And don't forget that for your birthday Grandma just might give you a whole dollar bill, too. Okay?"

Jenny agreed, and her mother bought the pearl necklace for her. Jenny worked on her chores very hard every day, and sure enough, her Grandma gave her a brand new dollar bill for her birthday. Soon Jenny had paid off the pearls.

How Jenny loved those pearls. She wore them everywhere to kindergarten, bed, and when she went out with her mother to run errands. The only time she didn't wear them was in the shower - her mother had told her that they would turn her neck green. Now Jenny had a very loving daddy. When Jenny went to bed, he would get up from his favorite chair every night and read Jenny her favorite story. One night when he finished the story, he said, "Jenny, do you love me?"

"Oh yes, Daddy, you know I love you," the little girl said.

Also read: 6 Funny Jokes To Explain Why A Person Should Think Before Speaking

"Well, then, give me your pearls."

"Oh! Daddy, not my pearls!" Jenny said. "But you can have Rosie, my favorite doll. Remember her? You gave her to me last year for my birthday. And you can have her tea party outfit, too. Okay?"

"Oh no, darling, that's okay." Her father brushed her cheek with a kiss "Good night, little one."

A week later, her father once again asked Jenny after her story, "Do you love me?"

"Oh yes, Daddy, you know I love you."

"Well, then, give me your pearls."

"Oh, Daddy, not my pearls! But you can have Ribbons, my toy horse. Do you remember her? She's my favorite. Her hair is so soft, and you can play with it and braid it and everything. You can have Ribbons if you want her, Daddy," the little girl said to her father.

"No, that's okay," her father said and brushed her cheek again with a kiss. "God bless you, little one. Sweet dreams."

Also read: Know your Personality By Analyzing Your Signature

Several days later, when Jenny's father came in to read her a story, Jenny was sitting on her bed and her lip was trembling. "Here, Daddy," she said, and held out her hand. She opened it and her beloved pearl necklace was inside. She let it slip into her father's hand. With one hand her father held the plastic pearls and with the other he pulled out of his pocket a blue velvet box.

Inside of the box were real, genuine, beautiful pearls.

He had them all along. He was waiting for Jenny to give up the cheap stuff so he could give her the real thing. So it is with our Heavenly Father. He is waiting for us to give up the cheap things in our lives so that he can give us beautiful treasure.

Isn't GOD great?

Are you holding onto things which God wants you to let go of?

Are you holding onto harmful or unnecessary partners, relationships, habits and activities which you have become so attached to that it seems impossible to let go?

Sometimes it is so hard to see what is in the other hand but do believe this one thing...God will never take away something without giving you something better in its place.

Content source is internet
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Know your personality by your signature

The various types of Signatures you come across & the attitude of a person are listed below:

# SINGLE UNDERLINE BELOW THE SIGN!!

These persons are very confident and are good personalities. They are a little bit selfish but believe in "Happiness of human life"

# TWO DOTS BELOW THE SIGN!!

These persons are considered to be Romantic, can easily change their fiancées as if they change their clothes. They prefer beauty in other persons & they themselves try to look beautiful. They easily attract others.

Also read: Words of Wisdom from The Great Indian Teacher, Philosopher Chanakya

# SINGLE DOT BELOW THE SIGN!!

These persons are more inclined towards classical arts, simple & are very cool. If you loose faith with them, then these persons will never look back at you. Hence it’s always better to be careful with these people.

# NO UNDERLINES OR DOTS BELOW THE SIGN!!

These persons enjoy their life in their own way; never pay attention to others views. These are considered to be good natured but are selfish too.

# RANDOM SIGN, NO SIMILARITY BETWEEN NAME & SIGN!!

These persons try to be very smart, hide each & every matter, never say anything in straight forward manner, and never pay attention to the other person of what he is talking of.

# RANDOM SIGN, SIMILARITY BETWEEN NAME & SIGN!!

These persons are considered to be intelligent but never think. These people change their ideas & views as fast as the wind changes its direction of flow. They never think whether that particular thing is right or wrong. You can win them just by flattering them.

Also read: Here is something about the Importance of Art of Giving that everyone should know

# SIGN IN PRINTED LETTERS!!

These persons are very kind to us, have a good heart, selfless, are ready to sacrifice their life for the sake of their near & dear. But these seem to think a lot and may get angry very soon.

# WRITING COMPLETE NAME AS THEIR SIGN!!

These persons are very kind hearted, can adjust themselves to any environment & to the person they are talking. These persons are very firm on their views & posses a lot of will power.

Image and content both copied from internet.

Girlfriend--North Indian or South Indian (with all due respect to girls)

******What it means to have a North Indian GIRL-FRIEND* *********

1. At the time of marriage, a north Indian girl has more boyfriends than her age.

2. Before marriage, she looks almost like a bollywood heroine and after marriage you have to go around her twice to completely hug her.

3. By the time she professes her undevoted love to you, you are bankrupt because of the number of times you had to take her out to movie theatres and restaurants. And you wait longingly for her dowry.

4. The only dishes she can think of to cook is paneer butter masala, aloo sabji, aloo gobi sabji, aloo matar, aloo paneer, that after eating all those paneer and aloos you are either in the bed with chronic cholestrol or chronic gas disorder.

5. The only growth that you see later in your career is the rise in your monthly phone bill.

6. You are blinded by her love that you think that she is a blonde. Only later do you come to know that it is because of the mehandhi that she applies to cover her gray hair.

7. When you come home from office she is very busy watching "Kyonki saas bi kabi bahu thi" that you either end up eating outside or cooking yourself.

8. You are a very "ESpecial" person to her.

9. She always thought that Madras is a state and covers the whole of south india until she met you.
10. When she says she is going to "work out" she means she is going to "walk out"

11. She has greater number of relatives than the number of people you have in your home town.

12. The only two sentences in English that she knows are "Thank you" and "How are you"

13. She thinks Govinda can dance better than Michael Jackson.

******What it means to have a South Indian GIRL-FRIEND* ********* *

1. Her mother looks down at you because you didn't study in IIT or Madras /Anna University.

2. Her father starts or ends every conversation with “... I say..."

3. She shudders if you use four letter words.

4. She has long hair, neatly oiled and braided (The Dubai based Oil Well Company will negotiate with her on a 25 year contract to extract coconut oil from her hair.)

5. She uses the word 'Super' as her only superlative.

6. Her name is another name for a Goddess or a flower.

7. Her first name is longer than your first name, middle name and surname combined (unless you are from Andhra).

8. When she mixes milk and rice you are never sure whether it is for the Dog or for herself.

9. For weddings, she sports a mini jasmine garden on her head and wears silk saris in the Madras heat without looking too uncomfortable while you are melting in your singlet.

10. She thinks Mohan Lal is the sexiest man alive.

11. Her favourite cricketer is Krishnamachari Srikkanth.

12. Her favourite food is dosa though she has tried North Indian snacks like Chats (pronounced like the slang for 'conversation' )

13. She bursts into songs with her cousins in every movie.

14. She bores you by telling you which raaga each song you hear is based on.

15. You have to give her jewellery, though she has already got plenty of it...

16. Her thali (Mangal Sutra) weighs more than the championship belts worn by WWF wrestlers.

17. She is more educated than you.

18. Her father thinks she is much smarter than you...

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