Signs you've been in the Indian IT industry for too long...

1.) U use phrases like "No issues" and "Value addition" in everyday parlance. For e.g . . . . When talking about your doodhwalla, U say, "His milk does zero value addition to my health but he is the only guy around so no issues"

2.) Ur prime source of entertainment is the forwards sent to U by friends whose faces U can’t remember.

3.) U drink more tea or coffee than water.

4.) When a half-day at work means leaving at 7:30 in the evening (and U actually feel guilty about it).

5.) U keep trying to shut down ur home computer by pressing Ctrl+Alt+Del (used to lock office comps)

6.) After U switch on your TV, U spends some time looking for a mouse.

7.) When ur mobile rings at home, U rush outside to receive the call.

8.) When U make calls at home, U accidentally dial"0" to get an outside line.

9.) U haven’t played Solitaire with real cards in years.

10.) U tell everyone your favourite book is "Who Moved my Cheese?" when in reality U couldn’t even finish that. Ur real favourite book is the Oracle manual for PL/SQL.

11.) Ur last crush was a girl in HR, ur current crush is the new girl in HR and all ur crushes in the future will be girls in HR.

12.) U secretly visit sites like jeevansathi.com< http://jeevansathi.com/ and shaadi.com
13.) U don’t go abroad anymore, but go 'on site'. And when U go 'on site' your mama, chacha and l'il cousin Chintu come to see u off.

14.) U spend the entire day reading forwards, smoking cigarettes, drinking tea/coffee and playing T.T. and then complain about the late working hours.

15.) Ur important 'meetings' usually comprise two or three people max, including yourself.

16.) U keep pressing Ctrl+Enter wondering why your gmail is not going.

17.) U secretly prepare for CAT only to find ur PL sitting behind you at the exam.

18.) Ur criteria for visiting a restaurant is whether it accepts 'Ticket restaurant' coupons or 'Sodexho' passes.

19.) U email ur mate who works at the desk next to U.

20.) U read this list and kept nodding & smiling.

21.) As U read this list, U r thinking of sending it to ur friends who are in IT.

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Engineer's Special--College memories

1. Some Basic definitions...

Engineering College: Place where you're punished for getting good HSC marks.

Senior: Guy who got ragged as junior and wanna get some payback...

Fresher: Guy who has to ask where the canteen is...

Really Dumb Fresher: Guy who asks a senior where the canteen is.

Really Really Dumb fresher: Guy who follows the senior to the canteen.

Ragging: The unfortunate fate of the previous idiot.

Evasive action: Watch the juniors when any seniors come nearby. (No one runs faster than a fresher. NO ONE.)

Lectures: Waste of time. Physical presence is a must...only meant for sleeping, completing assignments & general TP

Tuitions: What you take when you don't waste enough time....

Professor: Person paid to put students to sleep.

Vernacular Prof: Unusual variant of previous individual who comes packaged with his own brand of English ("Now you check me our journal." "You Out get from class." "Are you Understand, Beta?”)

Practicals: 60 to 90 minutes in which you watch the girls do your experiment, and usually destroy a considerable array of lab equipment.

Hopeless Practical : The practical in which there are no girls in your group simply look blankly at each other, fiddle with the equipment, and finally copy the readings.(from the girls of course...).

2. The Truth about exams....

Irony: The guy who copied your entire paper passes and you flunk.

Critical Calculation: Summing up the marks you attempted worth in the exam...

Re-verification: A cruel joke. (Results of which come after you give the KT exam).

3. An engineer's 10 engineering commandments of Life
1. Start study only during the preparatory leave.
2. Thou shalt never write thy assignments thyself.
3. Thou shalt begin writing thy journals only on the morning of submission.
4. Thou shalt treat all marks above 40 as bonus.
5. Thou shalt have at least 70 per cent attendance in the canteen.
6. Thou shalt pass GRACEfully.
7. Thou shalt always be an OUTstanding student.
8. Thou shalt give thy attendance without being present...PROXY is a MUST
9. If thou can't convince them, confuse them.
10. Thou shalt start every sentence with a four-lettered word.

4. The Years of Engineering
F.E. Fond of Engineering
S.E. Sick of Engineering
T.E. Tired of Engineering
B.E. Balls to Engineering
Engineers Anthem:
Hum Honge All Clear,Honge AllC lear, Honge All Clear Ek Din, OH-HO, Mann me hai vishwas, pura hai vishwas, hum hoge all clear ek din

Top two Engineering Rumors:
'Did you hear the results are being put up today at 5:30pm'
'Did you hear the exams are postponed by two weeks, it’s been put up at BMS'

The most dreaded acronym for Engineers:
ATKT (After Trying Keep Trying)

The most important criteria while selecting an engineering college:
Girl to Boy ratio (if more than0 .025% then that college is engineers dream come true)

Engineers at work:
Assignments solved by one and then carrying out mass transfer operations throughout the class

The most important machine for Engineers:
Xerox Machine (Without which assignment completion wouldn't be possible)

The most important table in an Engineer's House:
The glass table (to carry out GT operations, during Night Duty.)

The only queue an Engineer is familiar with:
Submission Queue

An Engineer's favourite watch:
Bird Watch!

Common Engineering Dialogues after a paper:
'What is this yaar, more than 70% of the paper was out of the syllabus'
'This was the worst paper set in the entire engineering history'
'I am failing....I got screwed royally'

5. Feeling after Completing Engineering:
Survived Engineering !!!!!!!!!!!

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Time to laugh......................

Income Tax Officer

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1,000.00 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000.00, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?" The man replied, "I work for the Income Tax Department."


******************************************************************
Appraisal letter

Dear Manager (HR),

Anil, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Anil works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Anil never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Anil takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Anil is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Anil can be
classed as a high-calibre employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Anil be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
sent away as soon as possible.

Signed - Venkat Ravi Kumar

NB: That stupid idiot was reading over my shoulder when I wrote the
report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd lines
(1, 3, 5, 7, 9,11, 13) for my true assessment of him.


******************************************************************
Accountant

Paddy wanted to be an accountant, so he went for an aptitude test.

Tester: If I give you two rabbits, two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Seven!
Tester: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits, two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Paddy: Seven!
Tester: Let's try this way. If I give you two bottles of beer, two bottles of beer, and another two bottles of beer, how many bottles of beer have you got?
Paddy: Six.

Tester: Good! Now, if I give you two rabbits, two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Seven!
Tester: How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?
Paddy : I've already got one rabbit at home!


*****************************************************************
Cuckoo clock

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the boys." I told my wife that I would be home by midnight...promise!

Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At around 3 A.M., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick witty solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh shit,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted.

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Are you a carrot,egg or a coffee bean?

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A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling.

It seemed that, as one problem was solved, a new one arose. Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to a boil. In the first, she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans.

She let them sit and boil, without saying a word. In about twenty minutes, she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me, what you see?"

"Carrots, eggs, and coffee," the young woman replied. The mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. She then asked her to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg. Finally, she asked her to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked, "What does it mean, mother?"

Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity - boiling water - but each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak.

The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior. But, after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened! The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.

"Which are you?" the mother asked her daughter. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean?" Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong but, with pain and adversity, do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength? Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit but, after a death, a breakup, or a financial hardship, does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and a hardened heart? Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor.

If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hours are the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate to another level? How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean?

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tags : carrot, coffee bean, egg, water, hot, mother, daughter, adversity, fragrance, flavor, pain