Laugh a little each day...

The Quickie

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few minutes passed.

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out, "Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" The startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

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Come on it’s just a joke.

A big earthquake with strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hit Mexico.

Two million Mexicans have died and over a million were injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start and is asking for help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.

Canada is sending troops to help the Mexican Army control the riots.

Saudi Arabia is sending oil.

Other Latin American countries are sending supplies.

The European community {except France} is sending food and money.

The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million Mexicans to replace the dead ones.

God bless America!!!!

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A Car Full of Penguins

A man was driving along the side of the road with a car full of penguins, when a cop suddenly appeared in his rear-view mirror. The cop walked up to the car and exclaimed that if he didnt take the penguins to the zoo right away he would get a ten thousand dollar ticket. The man drove off on the way to the zoo.

Now he was a busy man and was late for a doctors appointment. So, he pulled over a guy named George on the road and gave him 100 dollars to take the penguins to the zoo for him. Now george loved animals, so he agreeed, and off they went.

An hour later the man was driving along on the way back from his doctors appointment, and he saw george walking along the side of the road with the penguins. " I thought i told you to take the penguins to the zoo." the man told george. " I did, " George replied, " Now we are going to the movies. "

*****************************************************************************

Do You have an email?

A Jobless man applied for the position of 'office boy' at Microsoft. The HR manager interviewed him then watched him cleaning the floor as a test.

'You are employed' he said. Give me your e-mail address and I'll send you the application to fill in, as well as date when you may start.

The man replied 'But I don't have a computer, neither an email'.

'I'm sorry', said the HR manager. If you don't have an email, that means you do not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the job.'

The man left with no hope at all. He didn't know what to do, with only $10 in his pocket. He then decided to go to the supermarket and buy a 10Kg tomato crate.

He then sold the tomatoes in a door to door round. In less than two hours, he succeeded to double his capital. He repeated the operation three times, and returned home with $60.

The man realized that he can survive by this way, and started to go everyday earlier, and return late. Thus, his money doubled or tripled everyday.

Shortly, he bought a cart, then a truck, and then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles.

5 years later, the man is one of the biggest food retailers in the US ...

He started to plan his family's future, and decided to have a life insurance.

He called an insurance broker, and chose a protection plan.

When the conversation was concluded the broker asked him his email.

The man replied,’ I don't have an email.'

The broker answered curiously, 'You don't have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire. Can you imagine what you could have been if you had an e mail?!!' The man thought for a while and replied, 'Yes, I'd be an office boy at Microsoft!'

Moral of the story

Moral 1

Internet is not the solution to your life.

Moral 2

If you don't have Internet, and work hard, you can be a millionaire.

Moral 3

If you received this message by email,

you are closer to being a office boy/girl, than a millionaire. .........

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* *********

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Take the Quiz.....

Just a Joke!

A Sardarji is in the Quiz Contest "KAUN BANEGA CROREPATI " trying to win prize money of Rs. 1 Crore.

The questions are as follows:

1) How long was the 100 yr war?

A) 116

B) 99

C) 100

D) 150

Sardar says "I will skip this" (this lifeline is applicable only for Sardars)

2) In which country are the Panama hats made?

A) BRAZIL

B) CHILE

C) PANAMA

D) ECUADOR

Sardar uses his lifeline - asks for call a friend speaks to a University student)

3) In which month do the Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

A) JANUARY

B) SEPTEMBER

C) OCTOBER

D) NOVEMBER

Sardar uses his lifeline - asks for help from general public

4) Which of these is King George VI first name?

A) EDGER

B) ALBERT

C) GEORGE

D) MANUEL

Sardar uses his lifeline - asks for lucky cards

5) The Canary islands, in the Pacific Ocean,has its name based on which animal:

A) CANARY BIRD

B) KANGAROO

C) PUPPY

D) RAT

Sardar gives up !!!!!

If u think you are indeed clever and laughed at the Sardar's replies, then please check the answers below:

1) The 100 year war lasted 116 years from 1337-1453

2) The Panama hat is made in Ecuador

3) The October revolution is celebrated in November

4) King George's first name was Albert. In 1936 he changed his name

5) Puppy. The Latin name is INSULARIA CANARIA which means Islands of the puppies

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pic courtesy : http://img.myyearbook.com, 

Dogs and cats

Smart Dog

A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please."

The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth. The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog.

So, off he goes. The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following.

The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus.

Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on.

The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still following.

They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door again!

There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.

The butcher runs up and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God's sake!"

To which the guy responds, "Clever, my ass. This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

Dog Property Laws

1. If I like it, it's mine.

2. If it’s in my mouth, it's mine.

3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.

4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.

5. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.

6. If its mine, it must never appear to be yours anyway.

7. If it just looks like mine, its mine.

8. If I saw it first, its mine.

9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.

10. If it’s broken, it’s yours.

Pussy Cat

One day a fly was flying over a lake. In the lake a trout said to himself, "If that fly will drop four inches, I can jump out and catch it." Behind a shrub a bear said to himself, "If that fly will drop four inches, the trout will jump out of the water and catch it, so I can reach out and grab the trout." On a hill sat a hunter who said, "If that fly will drop four inches, the trout will jump out of the water and catch it, the bear will reach out and grab the trout, and it will expose him for a clear shot." Behind A bush there was a rat who said, "If that fly will drop four inches, the trout will jump out of the water and catch it, the bear will reach out and grab the trout, the hunter will have a clear shot at the bear and run down to get his kill, and I can steal his food." Behind a tree was a cat who said, "If that fly will drop four inches, the trout will jump out of the water and catch it, the bear will reach out and grab the trout, the hunter will have a clear shot at the bear and run down to get his kill, the rat will steal the hunter's food, and I can pounce on the rat."

Well, everything began: the fly dropped four inches, the trout caught the fly, the bear reached out and grabbed the trout exposing himself, the hunter shot the bear and ran down for his kill, the rat stole the hunter's food, and thecat tripped and rolled all the way down the hill into the lake.

Moral: When the fly drops, the pussy gets wet.

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http://www.thefunnypets.com, pic courtesy: http://farm1.static.flickr.com, 

Hey dirty mind...

1. What's in front of a woman and back of a cow?

The letter W.

2. What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?

Coconut.

3. What's about 6 inches long has a vein running down it, and women love to get their hands on?

A $100 bill.

4. What goes in hard and solid then comes out soft and sticky?

Bubble-gum.

5. What is long, hard and round and sticks so far out a man's pajamas that you can hang a hat on it?

His head.

6. What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down, and a dog does on three legs?

Shake hands.

7. What is it that a woman has two and a cow has four?

Legs.

8. What assists an erection, often has big balls hanging from it, and is also called a big swinger?

A crane.

9. What do you stick poles inside of, tie down to get it up. And, also gets wet before you do?

A tent.

10. When I go in I cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole.

A dentist.

11. What do you stick your finger in and fiddle with when you're bored?

The best man always has me first... A wedding ring.

12. All day long, it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both, men and women go down on me...

An elevator.

13. What comes in many sizes, drips when it is not well, and makes you feel good when you blow it?

A nose.

14. When I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news.

A newspaper boy.

15. I offer Protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off.

A glove.

16. What has a stiff shaft, has a penetrating tip, and comes with a quiver?

An arrow.

17. I make some guys shoot in the air. I usually have a little pecker. I'm better in your hand than in your bush.

A bird.

18. This is a useful tool, commonly found in the range of 6 inches long, the functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes.

It is usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action. It boasts of a clump of little hairy things at one end

And a small hole at the other. In use, it is quickly inserted, almost always willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out

Again and again many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements. Anyone found listening in will most surely recognize the rhythmic, pulsing sound resulting from the well-lubricated movements. When finally, withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and some from its long glistening shaft.

After everything is done and the flowing and cleansing liquids have ceased emanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest, ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching its bristling climax twice or three times a day, but often much less. What is it?

It is your very own toothbrush.

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pic courtesy : http://xaxor.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/Dirty-mind-pics27.jpg