My mother taught me.. (in good humour)

25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER  1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE . 'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.' 2. My mother taught me RELIGION . 'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.' 3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL . 'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!' 4. My mother taught me LOGIC . ' Because I said so, that's why.' 5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC . 'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.' 6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT . 'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.' 7. My mother taught me IRONY  'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.' 8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS . 'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.' 9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM . 'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!' 10. My mother taught me about STAMINA . 'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.' 11 My mother taught me about WEATHER . 'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.' 12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY . 'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!' 13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE  'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.' 14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION . 'Stop acting like your father!' 15. My mother taught me about ENVY . 'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.' 16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION . 'Just wait until we get home.' 17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING . 'You are going to get it when you get home!' 18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE . 'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.' 19. My mother taught me ESP . 'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?' 20. My mother taught me HUMOR . 'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.' 21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT . 'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.' 22. My mother taught me GENETICS.  'You're just like your father.' 23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS . 'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?' 24. My mother taught me WISDOM . 'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.' 25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE  'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you To enhance your knowledge regarding your health, financial and monetary conditions and wisdom, keep visiting Health, Wealth and Wisdom To keep yourself updated regarding Dehradun and the world, please visit Doonspot

Economic Model explained with cows

An interesting comparison

Economic Models

Explained with Cows

SOCIALISM

You have 2 cows.

You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other,

and then throws the milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM

You have two cows.

You sell one and buy a bull.

Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.

You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM

You have two giraffes.

The government requires you to take harmonica lessons

 

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.

Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM

You have two cows.

You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of

credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank,

then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer

so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.

The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a

Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder

who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.

The annual report says the company owns eight cows,

with an option on one

more.

You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you

with nine cows.

No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

 

 

THE ANDERSEN MODEL

You have two cows.

You shred them.

 

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.

You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want

three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and

produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon'

and market it worldwide.

 

A GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk

themselves.

 

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.

You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.

You count them and learn you have five cows.

 

You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.

You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

 

A SWISS CORPORATION

 

You have 5,000 cows. None of them belong to you.

You charge the owners for storing them.

 

 

A CHINESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You have 300 people milking them.

You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.

You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

 

 

AN INDIAN CORPORATION

 

You have two cows.

You worship them. ..

 

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.

Both are mad.

 

AN IRAQI CORPORATION

 

Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.

No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your

 

country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy... .

 

 

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION

You have two cows.

The one on the left looks very attractive.

 

 

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows .. .and sell them to China.

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Eat your words- III

17. "Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react.  He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools."  --1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's
revolutionary rocket work.


18. "You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of your muscles? It can't be done. It's just a fact of life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of
weight training."  --Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the "unsolvable"
problem by inventing Nautilus.


19. "Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're
crazy."  --Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to
drill for oil in 1859.


20. "Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high  plateau."
--Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.


21. "Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value."  --Marechal
Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.


22. "Everything that can be invented has been invented."  --Charles H. Duell,
Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.


23. "Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction".  --Pierre Pachet,
Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872


24. "The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the
intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon".  --Sir John Eric Ericksen,
British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.

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One Line Humor

[1] Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while  driving. 
  
[2] Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee. 
  
[3] Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband! 
  
[4] I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash. 
  
[5] A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms. 
  
[6] Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent. 
  
[7] Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without, but whatever you do, you'll regret it later. 
  
[8] You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it. 
  
[9] Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote. 
  
[10] Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired. 
  
[11] Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway. 
  
[12] My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me. 
  
[13] Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others. 
  
[14] Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner. 
  
[15] A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person. 
  
[16] You're getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them. 
  
[17] It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss. 
  
[18] Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books. 
  
[19] Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you. 
  
[20] Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something 
  
[21] They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak! 
  
[22] Man: Is there any way for long life? 
Dr: Get married. 
Man: Will it help? 
Dr: No, but then the thought of long life will never come. 
  
[23]Why do couples hold hands during their wedding? It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins! 
  
[24]Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do? 
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes. 
  
[25]It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged. It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered. 
  
[26]There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it. 
  
[27]There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbor has it! 

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Who is an IT consultant?

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous

pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a

dust cloud towards him

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses

and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you

exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd,

Will you give me a calf?'

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully

grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, Why not?'

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects

it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the

Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his

location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the

area in an ultra-high-resoluti on photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and

exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image

has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL

database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-Tech

Miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and

says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'

'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the Bud says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what

your business is, will you give me back my calf?'

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says,

 'Okay, why not?'

'You're an IT Consultant', says Bud.

'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'

'No guessing required.' answered the cowboy. 'You showed up here even

though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already

knew,to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep. . .

Now give me back my dog.

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Eat your words again plz...

9. "The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better
than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible."  --A Yale University management
professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight
delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)


10. "Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?"  --H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers,1927.

11. "I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary

Cooper."  --Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in

"Gone With The Wind."

12. "A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say

America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make."

--Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.

13. "We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out."  --Decca

Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

14. "Heavier-than- air flying machines are impossible."  --Lord Kelvin,

president, Royal Society, 1895.

15. "If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The

literature was full of examples that said you can't do this."  --Spencer

Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M "Post-It" Notepads.

16. "So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even

built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or

we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come

work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard,

and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college

yet.'"  --Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari

and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer.

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