Beer Problem..........

A guy, sitting outside his home about to be evicted from his house, was contemplating how the future would be after he had divorced his wife, lost his children and lost his job. 

He notices a crate of beer bottles and walks up to it.
He takes out an empty bottle, smashing it into the concrete wall swearing,   
"You are the reason I don't have a wife",
second bottle, "You are the reason I don't have my children", 
third bottle "You are the reason I lost my job".

He notices the fourth bottle is sealed and still full of beer. He 
takes the bottle, puts it aside and says,  

"Stand aside my dear friend; I know you were not involved"  . 

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Thought 1When we are born, our mothers get the compliments and the flowers.
When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity.
When we die, our widows get the life insurance.
What more do women want to be liberated from?


Thought 2
The average man's life consists of:
20 years of having his mother ask him where he is going,
40 years of having his wife ask the same question;
and at the end, the mourners wondering too where he is going.


Thought 3  
Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle to give away to the groom. They reached the altar and the waiting groom;  the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by the bride.
The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something. So he announced :
'Ladies and Gentlemen.  Today is the luckiest day of my life ...'   Then he raised his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued,
'My daughter finally,  finally returned my Credit Card to me.' The whole audience including the priest started laughing . . . . .   But not the poor Groom ! ! !

                                             
And  now  the  Best  one. . . . .

Thought 4
A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind,  'If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.'
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.  He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted,  'Stop !  Stand still !  If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die.'
The man did as he was instructed,  just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.  The man asked. 'Who are you?'
'I am your guardian angel,' the voice answered.
'Oh, yeah?'  the man said  'And where the  Hell were you when I got married?'

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Just for fun........

There are 3 kinds of men in world:

Some remain single & see Wonders happen,

Some have girlfriends & make Wonders happen,

The rest get married & Wonder what happened !!

Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home. 

Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. 

One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed. 

After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, 'Do you know what I miss most of all?' 

She asks, 'What?'

'Sex!!' he replies 

Mildred exclaims, 'Why you old fart. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!' 

'I know,' Harold says, 'but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while.' 

Well, I can oblige,' says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood. 

Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place.  Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K. 

She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold's manhood! 

Furious, Mildred yelled, 'You two-timing son-of-a-bitch! What does Ethel have that I don't have?' 

Old Harold smiled happily and replied, 'Parkinson's.'

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a retired golfer in his late sixties and the other a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties. The circus owner tells them: "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer, so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?" 

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet. 

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks: "Can you top that?" The tough old golfer replies: "No problem, just get that lion out of there." 
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Marriage--what is it?

1. Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence (a life sentence).

2. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.

3. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her masters.

4. Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring and suffeRING.

5. Married life is full of excitement and frustration: In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the NEIGHBOUR listens.

6. Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that instead.

7. There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.

8. A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.

9. Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.

10. Son: Is it true Dad? I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her. Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!

11. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

12. They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense.

13. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a 10-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

14. There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through HELL.

16. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

17. Eighty percent of married men cheat in America, the rest cheat in Europe.

18. After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin. They just can't face each other, but they still stay together.

19. Marriage is man and a woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

20. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After the marriage the "Y" becomes silent.

21. I married Miss right; I just didn't know her first name was Always.

22. It's not true that married men live longer than single men, it only seems longer.

23. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

24. A man was complaining to a friend: I HAD IT ALL-MONEY, A BEAUTIFUL HOUSE, THE LOVE OF A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, And THEN POW! IT WAS ALL GONE. WHAT HAPPENED, asked his friend. He says MY WIFE FOUND OUT.

25. WIFE: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. HUSBAND: OK, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway lights on.

26. At a cocktail party, one woman said to another: AREN'T YOU WEARING YOUR RING ON THE WRONG FINGER? The other replied, YES, I, AM. I MARRIED THE WRONG MAN.

27. Man is incomplete until he gets married, then he is finished.

28. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

29. A man inserted an ad in the paper - WIFE WANTED. The next day he received a hundred of letters and they all said the same thing - YOU CAN HAVE MINE.

30. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing - either the car is new or the wife is.

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tags : marriage, wife, husband, ring, money, house

pic courtesy: http://www.samedaymarriage.com, 

Marriages

Marriage - Part ITypical macho man married typical good-looking lady. And after the wedding, he laid down the following Rules:
“I’ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, Fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my Old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about It. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, “No, that's fine with me. Just Understand that there will be sex here at seven O'clock every night......... Whether you're here or not.”

(DAMM SHE'S GOOD!)

Marriage (Part II)Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, " When you die, I'm getting you a Headstone that reads:
“Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever”

“Yeah?" she replies. “When you die, I'm getting you a Headstone that reads:
"Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last”

(HE ASKED FOR IT!)
Marriage (Part III)Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and Says, “And you are no good in bed either,"
And storms out of the house.

After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the Phone after many rings, and the irritated husband Says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?”

She says, “I was in bed."

“In bed this early, doing what?"

“Getting a second opinion!"

(YEP, HE HAD THAT ONE COMING, TOO!)
Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his Achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, “Mother of Six" in spite of her Objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his Voice, “Shall we go home 'Mother of six?'

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of Discretion, shouts right back, “Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

(RIGHT ON, LADY!)
Marriage (Part V) the Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early Morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first
To break the silence (and LOSE),

He wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the Man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and See why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a Piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

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Funny Jokes which will make go you ROFL

Bank Robbery

A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands their money. Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man replied, "Yes sir, I did." The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly.

He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man replied, "No sir, I didn't, but my wife did."

Wedding Rehearsal

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the preacher with an unusual offer.
"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to "love, honor and cherish" and "forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever," I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the preacher looks the young man in the eye and says:

"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and vow eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."
The groom leaned toward the preacher and whispered: "I thought we had a deal."
The preacher put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back: "She made me a much better offer."

Deadlock

Boss said to secretary: For a week we will go abroad, so make arrangement.
Secretary make call to Husband: For a week my boss and I will be going abroad, you look after yourself.
Husband make call to secret lover: My wife is going abroad for a week, so let’s spend the week together.
Secret lover make call to small boy whom she is giving private tuition: I have work for a week, so you need not come for class.
Small boy make call to his grandfather: Grandpa, for a week I don't have class 'coz my teacher is busy. Let’s spend the week together.

Grandpa (the 1st boss ;) make call to his secretary: This week I am spending my time with my grandson. We cannot attend that meeting.
Secretary make call to her husband: This week my boss has some work, we cancelled our trip.
Husband make call to secret lover: We cannot spend this week together; my wife has cancelled her trip.
Secret lover make call to small boy whom she is giving private tuition: This week we will have class as usual.
Small boy make call to his grandfather: Grandpa, my teacher said this week I have to attend class. Sorry I can't give you company.
Grandpa make call to his secretary: Don't worry this week we will attend that meeting, so make arrangement. This is called DEAD LOCK

The seven words women use

Below are the 7 words WOMEN uses:-

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

FIVE MINUTES
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

NOTHING
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"

GO AHEAD
This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.

WHATEVER
It's a woman's way of saying *!#@ YOU!

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