Husband and wife

After being married for thirty years a wife asked her husband to describe her. He looked at her slowly...then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K." She asked, "What does that mean?" He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot." She smiled happily and said..."Oh, that's so lovely. What about I, J, K?" He said, "I'm Just Kidding!" 

His eye is still swollen...hope it will get better!

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Marriage Joke....

Young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.
The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage. I love my fiancée, very much, but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my future wife will be put off by them."
"No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed." 

This seemed to be a workable solution.

The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up her mom. 
"Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful."
"Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning."
"No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my new husband will not want to sleep in the same room with me."
Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth. Not a word," her mother affirmed. She thought it was certainly worth a try.

The loving couple was finally married in a beautiful ceremony. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well, until about six months later.
Shortly before dawn, the husband awoke with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searched the bed. This, of course, woke his bride who without thinking, immediately asked, "What on earth are you doing?"
"Oh, no!" he gasped in shock, "You've swallowed my sock!"

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Divorce - Sindhi style !!

After 48 years of marriage, an elderly Sindhi man in Bombay calls his son in
New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that 
your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of misery is enough!"

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. 

"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call
your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!"

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck 
they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of
this." She calls Bombay immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are
not getting divorced.

Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and 
we'll both be there tomorrow.

Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR??" and she hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says,
"It's all set. They're both coming for Diwali and paying 
their own airfare!!" 

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Love making tips for Senior citizens....

1. Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember..

6. Use extra poly grip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act..

8. Make all the noise you want....the neighbors are deaf, too. 

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!

10. Don't even think about trying it twice.

(BONUS 'OLD' IS WHEN...)

'OLD' IS WHEN...

Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN...

Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...

Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN....

You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...

You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police .

'OLD' IS WHEN..

'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take a laxative today.

'OLD' IS WHEN...

'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot..

'OLD' IS WHEN...

An 'all nighters' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

'OLD' IS WHEN....

You're not sure if these are facts or jokes.

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Related by Marriage

In a big wedding ceremony of the Lion king 
a mouse was dancing and singing loudly,

   

“To you my brother lion best of luck.”

The lion got upset, lifted the mouse and 
roared I am the big lion, king of Jungle, 
how can I be your brother mouse?.

The mouse explained boldly, 
“Yes, lion you are my brother by marriage. 
I too was a lion before marriage.”

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Arrange marriage of Love marriage

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Why are wives more dangerous than mafia?

Why are wives more dangerous than the Mafia? The mafia wants either ur money or life... The wives want both!



Marriage is like a public toilet Those waiting outside are desperate to get in & Those inside are desperate to come out.



No Man Can Ever Be Satisfied
with 4 things in life.
(1) Mobile
(2) Automobile
(3) TV
(4) Wife
Because there is always a better model in neighborhood.



Searching these keywords on Google `How to tackle wife?`
Google search result, `Good day sir, Even we are searching`.



Compromising does not mean you are wrong and your wife is right. It
only means that the safety of your head is much more important than your ego!



Imagine living with 3 wives in one compound and never leaving the house for 5 years.Osama Bin Laden must have called the US Navy Seals himself!


Whisky is a brilliant invention. One double and you start feeling single again.



A friend recently explained why he refuses to get married.
He says the wedding rings look like miniature handcuffs.



It is said that when a woman closes her eyes, she sees the person she is in love the most; and when a man does that... the slide show begins.



It takes thousand workers 2 build a castle, Million soldiers to protect a country, but just One woman 2 make a Happy Home --------- A Good Maid!



Funny quote on a husband`s T-Shirt:
All girls are devils,
but my wife is the queen
--
--
--
--
--
--
of them.

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Husband and Wife

Husband & Wife - Come Home Late

A woman was complaining to the neighbour that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him. "Take my advice," said the neighbour, "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed I called out: "Is that you, Jim?" And that cured him. "Cured him !" asked the woman, "but how?" The neighbour said, " You see, his name is Bill ."

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Husband & Wife - Why divorce?

In a divorce court a woman requested the judge: "Your honor, I want to divorce my husband." "But why ?" asked the judge. She replied, "Because he is not faithful to me." The judge asked, "How do you know ?" She replied, " My lord, not a single child resembles him ."

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Husband & Wife - Love Your Enemy

From his death bed, the husband called his wife and said, "One month after I die I want you to marry Samy." "Samy! But he is your enemy !" "Yes, I know that ! I've suffered all these years so let him suffer now ." 

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Husband & Wife - Wedding Ring

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? " The other replied, " Yes I am, I married the wrong man. "

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Husband & Wife - Why ?

" Dad, I was away for a week. Yesterday I sent a fax to my wife I'd be home that night, and when I got into my room I found my wife in another man's arms. " Why, Dad ? Tell me why!" Dad kept silent for a few minutes, then coolly said, " Maybe, Son, she didn't get the fax ."

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Husband & Wife - Same Service

A husband visited a marriage counselor and said, "When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years it's all different, I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking." "Why complain?" said the counselor. " You're still getting the same service !"

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Husband & Wife - Talk About Husband

One woman told another : "My neighbour is always speaking ill of her husband, but look at me, my husband is foolish, lazy and a coward; but have I ever said anything bad about him ?"

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Husband & Wife - Love To Do

A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?" "I would love to." Replied the husband. " But I don't know her well enough ."

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Husband & Wife - No Answer Back

A man was telling his friends, "When my wife is infuriated, she starts shouting at me, my children and even at our dogs and nobody dares answer her." One of his friends asked."And when you are angry, what do you do?" The man replied, " I also shout angrily at the windows and doors of the house and none of them dares to answer bac k. 

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Husband & Wife - Problem Father

"You looked troubled," I told my friend, "what's your problem?" He replied, "I'm going to be a father." "But that's wonderful," I said. " What's wonderful? My wife doesn't know about it yet.

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Wife vs. Girlfrd

*A Wife is like a TV*
**A Girlfriend is like a MOBILE**

At home you watch TV, but when you go out you take your MOBILE

When you have no money, you sell the TV and when you have got money you change your MOBILE

Sometimes you enjoy TV, but most of the time you play with your MOBILE

TV is free for life, but for the MOBILE, if you don't pay, the services will be terminated

TV is big, bulky and most of the time old!

But the MOBILE is cute, slim, curvy and very portable

Operational costs for the TV are often acceptable, but for the MOBILE it is often high and demanding

TV has a remote, MOBILE doesn't

MOBILE is a two-way communication (u talk and listen),but with the TV you MUST only listen (whether you want to or not)

Most Importantly:

TVs don't have viruses, but MOBILEs often do.

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Husband and wife....

Doctor : Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping pills.
Wife : When must I give them to him?
Doctor : They are for you.


Position of a Husband Is just like a Split Air Conditioner - No matter
however Loud he is in the Outdoor He is designed to remain Silent indoor...


"Husband is one, who is the head of the family, but his wife is the neck,
and whichever way she turns, he goes."


A man in Hell asked Devil: Can I make a call to my Wife?
After making call he asked how much to pay.
Devil : Nothing, Hell to hell is Free.


Why do most Indian women request God for the same husband in the next life?
Because efforts taken to train him in this life should not go to waste!

God said, "i cannot be everywhere, so i created mother".
Devil replied, "even i cannot be everywhere, so i created mother-in-law!!


Friend #1: Are you visiting us tomorrow? Do you need directions?
Friend #2: I'm all set. I have the address, a GPS, and a GPS override.
Friend #1: What's a GPS override?
Friend #2: My wife.


Wife :You changed after marriage.
Husband: I've told you before that I am not interested in Married women

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