Urine Analysis...

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

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Husband and wife

After being married for thirty years a wife asked her husband to describe her. He looked at her slowly...then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K." She asked, "What does that mean?" He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot." She smiled happily and said..."Oh, that's so lovely. What about I, J, K?" He said, "I'm Just Kidding!" 

His eye is still swollen...hope it will get better!

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Don't blame the landlady

One Day At Bat A Young Man Met A Beautiful Girl And Agreed To Spend The Night With Her For $500.

So They Did.

Before He Left, He Told Her That He Did Not Have Any Cash With Him, But That He Would Have His Secretary Write A Cheque And Mail It To Her, Calling The Payment “rent For Apartment”.

On The Way To His Office He Regretted What He Had Promised, Deciding That The Whole Event Was Not Worth The Price.

So, He Had His Secretary Send A Cheque For $250 And Enclosed The Following Note:

Dear Madam, Enclosed Find Cheque Of $250 For Rent Of Your Apartment.

I Am Not Sending The Amount Agreed Upon Because When I Rented The Apartment I Was Under The Impression That:

1) It Had Never Been Occupied

2) That There Was Plenty Of Heat

3) That It Was Small Enough To Make Me Cozy And Feel At Home.

Last Night, However, I Found It Had Been Previously Occupied, That There Was No Heat, And It Was Entirely Too Large.

Upon Receipt Of The Note, The Girl Immediately Returned The Check For $250 With The Following Note:

Dear Sir, First Of All, I Cannot Understand How You Expect A Beautiful Apartment To Remain Unoccupied Indefinitely.

As For The Heat, There Is Heat If You Know How To Turn It On.

Regarding The Space, The Apartment Is, Indeed, Of Regular Size, But If You Don’t Have Enough Furniture To Fill It, So Please Don’t Blame The Landlady

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What is your obsession?

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session
with five young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said:
"You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mum, Ann:
"Your obsession is with money.
It manifests itself in your children's names,
Penny, Goldie and Frank."

He turned to the third Mum, Joyce:
"Your obsession is alcohol.
This too shows itself in your children's names:
Brandy and Sherry.
You even called the cat, "Whisky"

He then turned to the fourth Mum June:
"Your obsession is with flowers.
Your girls are called Rose, Daphne & Poppy."

At this point, the fifth mother, Kathy, quietly got up,
took her little boy by the hand and whispered:
"Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about.
Let's pick up Fanny and Willy and go home."

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Marriage Joke....

Young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.
The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage. I love my fiancée, very much, but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my future wife will be put off by them."
"No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed." 

This seemed to be a workable solution.

The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up her mom. 
"Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful."
"Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning."
"No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my new husband will not want to sleep in the same room with me."
Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth. Not a word," her mother affirmed. She thought it was certainly worth a try.

The loving couple was finally married in a beautiful ceremony. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well, until about six months later.
Shortly before dawn, the husband awoke with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searched the bed. This, of course, woke his bride who without thinking, immediately asked, "What on earth are you doing?"
"Oh, no!" he gasped in shock, "You've swallowed my sock!"

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Dumb or Smart

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Happy Birthday with baked beans

(Nice One from Reader's Digest)

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up eating beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work.  Since I lived in the countryside, I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand.

With miles  to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I  reached  home,  so  I  stopped at the dinner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans.

All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas. Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans  I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most  unbearable,  so  while  my  husband  was out of the room I seized the opportunity,  shifted  my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill.

I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than stinking cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable.  When eventually the telephone farewells signaled  the  end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with  my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very  relieved  and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long.

He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.  At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!" I nearly died!

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How men and women see colours?

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Divorce - Sindhi style !!

After 48 years of marriage, an elderly Sindhi man in Bombay calls his son in
New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that 
your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of misery is enough!"

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. 

"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call
your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!"

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck 
they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of
this." She calls Bombay immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are
not getting divorced.

Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and 
we'll both be there tomorrow.

Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR??" and she hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says,
"It's all set. They're both coming for Diwali and paying 
their own airfare!!" 

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Love making tips for Senior citizens....

1. Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember..

6. Use extra poly grip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act..

8. Make all the noise you want....the neighbors are deaf, too. 

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!

10. Don't even think about trying it twice.

(BONUS 'OLD' IS WHEN...)

'OLD' IS WHEN...

Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN...

Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...

Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN....

You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...

You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police .

'OLD' IS WHEN..

'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take a laxative today.

'OLD' IS WHEN...

'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot..

'OLD' IS WHEN...

An 'all nighters' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

'OLD' IS WHEN....

You're not sure if these are facts or jokes.

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