Husband and wife....

Doctor : Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping pills.
Wife : When must I give them to him?
Doctor : They are for you.


Position of a Husband Is just like a Split Air Conditioner - No matter
however Loud he is in the Outdoor He is designed to remain Silent indoor...


"Husband is one, who is the head of the family, but his wife is the neck,
and whichever way she turns, he goes."


A man in Hell asked Devil: Can I make a call to my Wife?
After making call he asked how much to pay.
Devil : Nothing, Hell to hell is Free.


Why do most Indian women request God for the same husband in the next life?
Because efforts taken to train him in this life should not go to waste!

God said, "i cannot be everywhere, so i created mother".
Devil replied, "even i cannot be everywhere, so i created mother-in-law!!


Friend #1: Are you visiting us tomorrow? Do you need directions?
Friend #2: I'm all set. I have the address, a GPS, and a GPS override.
Friend #1: What's a GPS override?
Friend #2: My wife.


Wife :You changed after marriage.
Husband: I've told you before that I am not interested in Married women

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Beer Problem..........

A guy, sitting outside his home about to be evicted from his house, was contemplating how the future would be after he had divorced his wife, lost his children and lost his job. 

He notices a crate of beer bottles and walks up to it.
He takes out an empty bottle, smashing it into the concrete wall swearing,   
"You are the reason I don't have a wife",
second bottle, "You are the reason I don't have my children", 
third bottle "You are the reason I lost my job".

He notices the fourth bottle is sealed and still full of beer. He 
takes the bottle, puts it aside and says,  

"Stand aside my dear friend; I know you were not involved"  . 

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Thought 1When we are born, our mothers get the compliments and the flowers.
When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity.
When we die, our widows get the life insurance.
What more do women want to be liberated from?


Thought 2
The average man's life consists of:
20 years of having his mother ask him where he is going,
40 years of having his wife ask the same question;
and at the end, the mourners wondering too where he is going.


Thought 3  
Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle to give away to the groom. They reached the altar and the waiting groom;  the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by the bride.
The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something. So he announced :
'Ladies and Gentlemen.  Today is the luckiest day of my life ...'   Then he raised his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued,
'My daughter finally,  finally returned my Credit Card to me.' The whole audience including the priest started laughing . . . . .   But not the poor Groom ! ! !

                                             
And  now  the  Best  one. . . . .

Thought 4
A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind,  'If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.'
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.  He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted,  'Stop !  Stand still !  If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die.'
The man did as he was instructed,  just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.  The man asked. 'Who are you?'
'I am your guardian angel,' the voice answered.
'Oh, yeah?'  the man said  'And where the  Hell were you when I got married?'

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7 degrees of Blonde

FIRST DEGREE 

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang 
at 2 in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone, 
listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles 
from here!' and hung up. 
The husband said, 'Who was that?' 

The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know 
If the coast is clear.' 
SECOND DEGREE 
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the 
sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror 
and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.' 

The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!' 

So, the first blonde hands her the compact. 

The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!' 
THIRD DEGREE 
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and 
buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the 
door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really 
angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is 
overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. 

The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!' 

The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!' 
FOURTH DEGREE 
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. 
She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, .... I know 'em all.' 

A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?' 

The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy. It's W.' 
FIFTH DEGREE 
Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? 
A: 'Is it mine?' 
SIXTH DEGREE 
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US 
Government class The professor asked Bambi if she knew what 
Roe vs. Wade was about. 
Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision 
George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware ...'              

SEVENTH DEGREE 
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house 
ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and 
reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, 
and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond. 

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde  
ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then 
sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come 
home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do 
they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!' 

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Just for fun........

There are 3 kinds of men in world:

Some remain single & see Wonders happen,

Some have girlfriends & make Wonders happen,

The rest get married & Wonder what happened !!

Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home. 

Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. 

One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed. 

After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, 'Do you know what I miss most of all?' 

She asks, 'What?'

'Sex!!' he replies 

Mildred exclaims, 'Why you old fart. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!' 

'I know,' Harold says, 'but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while.' 

Well, I can oblige,' says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood. 

Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place.  Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K. 

She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold's manhood! 

Furious, Mildred yelled, 'You two-timing son-of-a-bitch! What does Ethel have that I don't have?' 

Old Harold smiled happily and replied, 'Parkinson's.'

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a retired golfer in his late sixties and the other a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties. The circus owner tells them: "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer, so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?" 

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet. 

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks: "Can you top that?" The tough old golfer replies: "No problem, just get that lion out of there." 
************************************************************************************

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Different ways of looking at things......

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and
Family values.

Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'

___________________________________________

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my
Intelligence come from?'

The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother,
Cause I still have mine.'

___________________________________________

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court
Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'

'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and
Then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'

___________________________________________

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room,
Took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife
At all.'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really
Good with the kids.'

___________________________________________

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has
Been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words
That were used to put the curse on you.'

The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

___________________________________________

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:

1. The DNA all matches.

2. There are no dental records.

___________________________________________

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll
Take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'

The agent replies, 'Just a minute'

'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.

___________________________________________

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

'How was he killed?' asked one detective.

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.

'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'

'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

___________________________________________

Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'

Joe: 'Really?'

Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'

___________________________________________

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and
Asks him how he is feeling.

'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in
Surgery,' he answered.

'What did he say,' asked the nurse.

'Oops!'
!

___________________________________________

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display
Of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since
I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's
Advice.

'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'

'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

He's still in intensive care.

___________________________________________

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap
Of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by
Even more thunder rumbling in the distance...

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's
There.'

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Husband and wife

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter!
Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once.
TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!
We need more butter. Oh my GOD!
WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL!
I said be CAREFUL!
You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never!
Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY?
Have you LOST your mind?
Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

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A smartly attired lady was walking down the street when she was

accosted

by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking

homeless woman who asked her for a couple of

dollars for dinner.

She took out her wallet, removed ten dollars and

asked,

'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with

it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the

homeless woman told her.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying

food?' the lady asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless

woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying

to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of

food?' the lady asked.

'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman.

I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well, the lady said, 'I'm not going to give you the

money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for

dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your

husband be furious with you for doing that? I know

I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

The lady replied, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up

shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

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Time to laugh....

A French teacher was explaining to her class that in French, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. "House" for instance, is feminine -- "la maison." "Pencil”, however, is masculine -- "le crayon."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?" Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether “computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it. (No chuckling guys... this gets better!!!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine (le computer"), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won

************************************************************************

Man: Sir, my wife is missing.

Postman: Yeh post office hai, police station nahi.

Man: Kya karu? Kahan jau? Khushi k maare kuchh samajh me nahi aa raha.

Husband: Tumse Shaadi Karke Mujhe Ek Bahut Bada Faayda Hua Hai.

Wife: Woh Kya?

Husband: Mujhe Mere Gunaaho ki Saza Jeete-Jee Hi Mil Gayi!

Why are wives more dangerous than the Mafia?

The mafia wants either your money or life... The wives want both!

A boy on Date With Gal in BMW. Jaan ! Maine tumse ek baat chupaai hai ki I'm already married.

Girl: Oh GOD! Tumne To dara he dia, main Samjhi ye Car tumhari nahi.

Men who don´t understand women at all, by & large, fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.

Wife to her friend: My hubby bought me a Mood ring the other day. When I'm in a gud mood, it turns Green & when Im in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on his forehead!

**********************************************************************

Kammu phoned her husband Nil at work as usual for a chat.

Nil said, "Kammu darling, I am terribly busy today, can you call me back later today perhaps"

Kammu said, "But sweetheart, I have a good news, and I have a bad news to give to you."

Nil said, "Darling, I do not have time, so why don't you give me the good news now, and when I come back home in the evening then give me the bad news, this way I can focus here, and do not spoil my work."

Kammu said, "OK dear. The good news is, the Air bag of our brand new Lexus works, I got my life saved. And when you come back home in the evening I will give you the bad news."

And then Kammu hung up.

*********************************************************************

Teacher tells a student a=b, b=c implies a=c. Tell me an example. Student: I love u - u love your daughter - so I love your daughter.

2) Its funny when people discuss over "love marriage" and "arranged marriage" It is like asking a person if he would like to "hang himself" or "shoot himself".

3) What is a girl friend? ---- Addition of problems, subtraction of money, multiplication of enemies & division of friends.

4) A married man was asked to perform his SWOT (Strength, Weakness, Opportunity, and Threat) Analysis. He said, my strength is my wife. My weakness is my neighbours’ wife. Opportunity comes when neighbour goes out. Threat comes when I myself go out

5) Guide: "I welcome you all to Niagara Falls. These are the world's largest waterfalls and the sound intensity of the waterfall is so high, even 20 supersonic planes passing by can't be heard. Now may I request the ladies to keep quiet so that we can hear the Niagara Falls?"

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Let's Laugh.....

Prescription for cyanide

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eye got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license!

They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription. "

Robbery
A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands their money. Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man replied, "Yes sir, I did." The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly.

He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man replied, "No sir, I didn't, but my wife did."

Policeman

One night a police officer named Mike was working the grave-yard shift and he drove to his house around 3 A.M. in the morning. He opened the door to the bedroom quietly and took off his clothes in the dark, and got in bed with his wife. Then she said,"Honey, can you go over to the Drug Store and pick me up some Aspirin?" The husband said yes, got dressed in the dark, and walked over to the Drug Store.

When he got to the Drug Store, he got the Aspirin and went up to the desk so that the clerk could ring it up. Then when he got up there, the clerk asked,” Say, Aren't you Mike? "

Mike answered him and said, "Yes I am."

Then the clerk looked puzzled and asked, “Well, isn’t you a police officer?"

And again Mike replied yes.

Then the clerk asked,” Then why are you dressed like the fire chief?"

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tags : cyanide, Policeman. Robbery, husband