My Lord.......I Object!

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Check out the last one.Tooo Good. These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court." These are things People actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now Published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while These exchanges were actually taking place. Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year. ____________________________________________________________________ Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up That morning? A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan. ____________________________________________________________________ Q: And where was the location of the accident? A: Approximately milepost 499. Q: And where is milepost 499? A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500. ____________________________________________________________________ Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he Doesn't know about it until the next morning? ____________________________________________________________________ Q: Were you present when your picture was taken? ____________________________________________________________________ Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: And what were you doing at that time? ___________________________________________________________________ Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls? ____________________________________________________________________ Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes. Q: And these stairs, did they go up! Also? ____________________________________________________________________ Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated? ___________________________________________________________________ Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male or a female? ____________________________________________________________________ Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. ____________________________________________________________________ Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy. ____________________________________________________________________ Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the Autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless? A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law Somewhere To enhance your knowledge regarding your health, financial and monetary conditions and wisdom, keep visiting Health, Wealth and Wisdom To keep yourself updated regarding Dehradun and the world, please visit Doonspot pic courtesy : http://biznessapps.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2011/01/brooklyn-lawyers2.jpg

Corporate Zodiac

Astrology tells us about people and their future by their time, date and location of birth. The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of a person's birth.Demographics tell us what others like, dislike, whom they voted for, as well as what they buy and what they watch on television. The Corporate Zodiac goes a step further: simply by an individual's job title, people can pretty much learn about an employee's hidden personality traits.

Marketing
You are ambitious, yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing - which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.

Sales
Laziest of all the Corporate Signs, often referred to as a "marketer without a degree". You are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid all contact with customers so you can "concentrate on the big picture". You seek admiration for your golf game, clothes, car and sex appeal throughout your career.

Customer Service
Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As a child very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service". Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.

Technology
Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Typically you went to a trade school because you didn't have time for all that "c***" required in college. Often, even you don't understand what the hell you're saying, but no one else except the engineers knows anyway. It is written that the Geeks shall inherit the Earth, but the Senior Managers keep contesting the will.

Engineering
One of only two signs that actually studied in school, it is said that sixty percent of all the people on the Internet are either engineers, or wish they were one. You can be happy with yourself and the latest technology in your field. Your office is typically full of all the latest gadgets, catalogs and half finished spec sheets.

Accounting
The only other sign that studied in school, you are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of your co-workers are convinced that you are completely without feeling or emotion. You are often caught in the Rest Room, practicing your frown in the mirror.

Human Resources
Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch, and mail a letter ! Your favorite _expression is: "Now don't say anything, but..."

Mid-Level Managers / Department Heads / Team Leaders
Catty, cut-throat, and ambitious, but... you are probably destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life unless a senior Manager dies or retires. You tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself and the number of subordinates you can con into sleeping with you. Best suited to date/marry other Middle Managers, as everyone in your social circle must be at least a Middle Manager for appearance's sake.

Senior Managers
You enjoy appearing to be the ultimate authority figure but actually, you are completely spineless, and determined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life, unless the head of your organization dies or retires. Unable to make a single decision, you tend to measure your worth by the number of Mid-Level Managers you can harass on any given day and insure that your office is the largest in the building. Best suited to date/marry other Senior Managers, as everyone in your social circle is a Senior Manager; besides, no one else would have you anyway.

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Good to read and enjoy..

Why do we shout?

A saint asked his disciples, 'Why do we shout in anger? Why do people shout at each other when they are upset?'

Disciples thought for a while, one of them said, 'Because we lose our calm, we shout for that.'

'But, why to shout when the other person is just next to you?' asked the saint..

'Isn't it possible to speak to him or her with a soft voice? Why do you shout at a person when you're angry?'

Disciples gave some other answers but none satisfied the saint.

Finally he explained, 'When two people are angry at each other, their hearts distance a lot. To cover that distance they must shout to be able to hear each other. The angrier they are, the stronger they will have to shout to hear each other through that great distance.'

Then the saint asked, 'What happens when two people fall in love? They don't shout at each other but talk softly, why? Because their hearts are very close. The distance between them is very small...'

The saint continued, 'When they love each other even more, what happens?

They do not speak, only whisper and they get even closer to each other in their love. Finally they even need not whisper, they only look at each other and that's all. That is how close two people are when they love each other.'

MORAL: When you argue do not let your hearts get distant, do not say words that distance each other more, else there will come a day when the distance is so great that you will not find the path to return.

Santa and Banta

Banta: Wife agar husband ko naukar samjhe to husband ko kya karna chahiye?
Santa: Zyada kuch nahi, do char ghar aur pakad lene chahiye.

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~

Santa aur Jeeto mein larai ho gayi, Santa ghar se chala gaya.
Santa raat ko phone pay: Khanay mein kia hai?
Jeeto: Zehar.
Husb: Main dair se aaonga, tum kha kar so jana.

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~

Doctor asks Santa to give urine sample, stool & sperm sample for his yearly checkup.
Santa: I’m in a hurry doc, can I leave my underwear!

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~

Jailor: Tumhe kal subah 5 baje phansi di jayegi.
Sardar: Ha Ha Ha Ha!
Jailor: Kyon has rahe ho?
Sardar: Main to uthta hi subha 9 baje hoon!

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~

Santa ki chatri me hole tha, kisine pucha, umbrella mein hole kyu?
Sardar bola: Oye barish ruk jayegi to pata kaise chalega.

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~

Santa: Wo dekh teri biwi ko saanp kaat raha hai.
Banta: Are tension mat le, Jeher bharwane aya hoga...

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Santa kaafi time baad pind geya, Pind di Jameen to Mitti fad k te sung k bolea: Pind di Mitti di khushbu hi vakhri hundi aa.
Banta: Kanjra dhyan nal vekh Eh suki hui Shit aa...

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Banta mujra dekhne gaya, sari raat mujra dekha.
Bai ne kaha: Sahab humne aap ko khush kiya, ab aap hume khush karo.
Banta utha or khud nachne laga..

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bante de ghar buddi mar gayi. Saare kehan lagge: Bebe mainu lai jaandi! Mainu lai jaandi!
Banta vichon uthh ke kehenda: Saaleo! Bebe ne SUMO kiti hoi si ki?

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Banta k ghar ladka hua, par wo phir bhi dukhi tha?? Kyon?
Itne saalo baad, itni manato k baad ladka hua wo bhi chhota sa...!

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Santa ne PCO pe jate hi PCO wale ko 2 thappad laga diye. Socho kyon?
Because PCO ke bahar likha tha, dial karne se pahle 2 lagaye...

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Santa Radio lekar POTTY karne gaya.
Banta: Aaj toh mazey se ki hogi ?
Santa: Khaak mazey se ki, radio par Jan-Gan-Man aa gaya, khade-khade karni padi.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Happy Women's Day

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~EIGHT LIES OF A MOTHER~

1.The story began when I was a child;
I was born as a son of a poor family.
Even for eating, we often got lack of food.
Whenever the time for eating, mother often gave me her portion of rice.
While she was removing her rice into my bowl,
she would say "Eat this rice, son. I'm not hungry".
That was Mother's First Lie


2.When I was getting to grow up,
the persevering mother gave her spare time for fishing in a river near our house,
she hoped that from the fishes she got,
she could gave me a little bit nutritious food for my growth.
After fishing, she would cook the fishes to be a fresh fish soup,
which raised my appetite. While I was eating the soup,
mother would sit beside me and eat the rest meat of fish,
which was still on the bone of the fish I ate.
My heart was touched when I saw it.
I then used my chopstick and gave the other fish to her.
But she immediately refused it and said "Eat this fish, son.
I don't really like fish."
That was Mother's Second Lie.

3.Then, when I was in Junior High School,
to fund my study,
mother went to an economic enterprise to bring some used-matches boxes that would be stuck in.
It gave her some money for covering our needs.
As the winter came,
I woke up from my sleep and looked at my mother who was still awoke,
supported by a little candlelight and within her perseverance she continued
the work of sticking some used-matches box.
I said, "Mother, go to sleep, it's late,
tomorrow morning you still have to go for work.
" Mother smiled and said "Go to sleep,
dear. I'm not tired."
That was Mother's Third Lie.

4.At the time of final term,
mother asked for a leave from her work in order to accompany me.
While the daytime was coming and the heat of the sun was starting to shine,
the strong and persevering mother
waited for me under the heat of the sun's shine for several hours.
As the bell rang, which indicated that the final exam had finished,
mother immediately welcomed me and poured me a glass of tea
that she had prepared before in a cold bottle.
The very thick tea was not as thick as my mother's love,
which was much thicker. Seeing my mother covering with perspiration,
I at once gave her my glass and asked her to drink too.
Mother said "Drink, son. I'm not thirsty!".
That was Mother's Fourth Lie.

5. After the death of my father because of illness,
my poor mother had to play her role as a single parent.
By held on her former job, she had to fund our needs alone.
Our family's life was more complicated. No days without sufferance.
Seeing our family's condition that was getting worse,
there was a nice uncle who lived near my house came to help us,
either in a big problem and a small problem.
Our other neighbors who lived next to us saw that our family's life was so unfortunate,
they often advised my mother to marry again. But mother,
who was stubborn, didn't care to their advice,
she said "I don't need love."
That was Mother's Fifth Lie.

6.After I had finished my study and then got a job,
it was the time for my old mother to retire.
But she didn't want to; she was sincere to go to the marketplace every morning,
just to sell some vegetable for fulfilling her needs.
I, who worked in the other city, often sent her some money to help her in fulfilling her needs,
but she was stubborn for not accepting the money.
She even sent the money back to me.
She said "I have enough money."
That was Mother's Sixth Lie.

7.After graduated from Bachelor Degree,
I then continued my study to Master Degree.
I took the degree, which was funded by a company through a scholarship program,
from a famous University in America .
I finally worked in the company. Within a quite high salary,
I intended to take my mother to enjoy her life in America .
But my lovely mother didn't want to bother her son,
she said to me "I'm not used to."
That was Mother's Seventh Lie.

8.After entering her old age,
mother got a flank cancer and had to be hospitalized.
I, who lived in miles away and across the ocean,
directly went home to visit my dearest mother.
She lied down in weakness on her bed after having an operation.
Mother, who looked so old, was staring at me in deep yearn.
She tried to spread her smile on her face;
even it looked so stiff because of the disease she held out.
It was clear enough to see how the disease broke my mother's body,
thus she looked so weak and thin.
I stared at my mother within tears flowing on my face.
My heart was hurt, so hurt, seeing my mother on that condition.
But mother, with her strength, said "Don't cry, my dear.
I'm not in pain."
That was Mother's Eight Lie.


After saying her eighth lie, She closed her eyes forever!

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Something nice to read...

Rain

One rainy afternoon I was driving along one of the main streets of town, taking those extra precautions necessary when the roads are wet and slick.

Suddenly, my daughter, Aspen, spoke up from her relaxed position in her seat. "Dad, I'm thinking of something.” This announcement usually meant she had been pondering some fact for a while, and was now ready to expound all that her six-year-old mind had discovered.

I was eager to hear. "What are you thinking?" I asked. "The rain!" she began, "is like sin, and the windshield wipers are like God wiping our sins away." After the chill bumps raced up my arms I was able to respond. "That's really good, Aspen." Then my curiosity broke in. How far would this little girl take this revelation? So I asked... "Do you notice how the rainwater keeps on coming? What does that tell you?" Aspen didn't hesitate one moment with her answer: "We keep on sinning, and God just keeps on.

In order to see the rainbow, you must first endure some rain. It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend.

Some thoughts

Some people complain that there are thorns on roses, while others praise thorns for having roses among them.

A person's true character is revealed by what he does when no one is watching.

Although the tongue weighs very little, very few people are able to hold it.

Falling down doesn't make you a failure, but staying down does.

Don't be afraid of pressure. Remember that pressure is what turns a lump of coal into a diamond.

Even a woodpecker owes his success to the fact that he uses his head.

The poorest of all men is not the man without a cent but the man without a dream.

The only preparation for tomorrow is the right use of today.

People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care.

Temper is what gets most of us into trouble. Pride is what keeps us there.

The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little "extra".

The heart is happiest when it beats for others.

One thing you can learn by watching the clock is that it passes time by keeping its hands busy.

Who You Love

John Blanchard stood up from the bench, straightened his Army uniform, and studied the crowd of people making their way through Grand Central Station. He looked for the girl whose heart he knew, but whose face he didn't, the girl with the rose. His interest in her had begun thirteen months before in a Florida library. Taking a book off the shelf he found himself intrigued, not with the words of the book, but with the notes penciled in the margin. The soft handwriting reflected a thoughtful soul and insightful mind.

In front of the book, he discovered the previous owner's name, Miss Hollis Maynell. With time and effort he located her address. She lived in New York City. He wrote her a letter introducing himself and inviting her to correspond. The next day he was shipped overseas for service in World War II During the next year and one-month the two grew to know each other through the mail. Each letter was a seed falling on a fertile heart. A Romance was budding. Blanchard requested a photograph, but she refused. She felt that if he really cared, it wouldn't matter what she looked like.

When the day finally came for him to return from Europe, they scheduled their first meeting - 7:00 pm at Grand Central Station in New York. "You'll recognize me, " she wrote, "by the red rose I'll be wearing on my lapel." So at 7:00 he was in the station looking for a girl whose heart he loved, but whose face he'd never seen. I'll let Mr. Blanchard tell you what happened: A young women was coming toward me, her figure long and slim. Her blonde hair lay back in curls from her delicate ears; her eyes were blue as flowers. Her lips and chin had a gentle firmness, and in her pale green suit she was like springtime come alive. I started toward her, entirely forgetting to notice that she was not wearing a rose. As I moved, a small, provocative smile curved her lips. "Going my way, sailor?" she murmured. Almost uncontrollably I made one step closer to her, and then I saw Hollis Maynell. She was standing almost directly behind the girl. A woman well past 40, she had graying hair tucked under a worn hat. She was more than plump, her thick-ankled feet thrust into low-heeled shoes. The girl in the green suit was walking quickly away. I felt as though I split in two, so keen was my desire to follow her, and yet so deep was my longing for the women whose spirit had truly companioned me and upheld my own.

And there she stood. Her pale, plump face was gentle and sensible; her gray eyes had a warm and kindly twinkle. I did not hesitate. My fingers gripped the small worn blue leather copy of the book that was something precious, something perhaps even better than love, a friendship for which I had been and must ever be grateful. I squared my shoulders and saluted and held out the book to the women, even though while I spoke I felt choked by the bitterness of my disappointment. "I'm Lieutenant John Blanchard, and you must be Miss Maynell. I am so glad you could meet me; may I take you to dinner?" The women's face broadened into a tolerant smile. "I don't know what this is about, son," she answered, "but the young lady in the green suit who just went by, she begged me to wear this rose on my coat. And she said if you were to ask me out to dinner, I should go and tell you that she is waiting for you in the big restaurant across the street. She said it was some kind of test!" It's not difficult to understand and admire Miss Maynell's wisdom. The true nature of a heart is seen in it's response to the unattractive. "Tell me whom you love," Houssaye wrote, "And I will tell you who you are."

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Happy Valentines Day (Ladies special)

What I Want in a Man, Original List:

1. Handsome

2. Charming

3. Financially successful

4. A caring listener

5. Witty

6. In good shape

7. Dresses with style

8. Appreciates finer things

9. Full of thoughtful surprises

10. An imaginative, romantic lover

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 36)

1. Nice looking

2. Opens car doors, holds chairs

3. Has enough money for a nice dinner

4. Wants to talk to me.

5. Laughs at my jokes

6. Carries bags of groceries with ease

7. Has at least one shirt with the arms cut out

8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal

9. Loves to go for drives

10. Seeks romance at least 3 times a week

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)

1. Not too ugly

2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car

3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally

4. Nods head when I'm talking

5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes

6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture

7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach

8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids

9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down

10. Shaves most weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed

2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public

3. Doesn't borrow money too often

4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting

5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times

6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends

7 . Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear

8. Appreciates a good TV dinner

9. Remembers your name on occasion

10. Shaves some weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)

1. Doesn't scare small children

2. Remembers where bathroom is

3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep

4. Only snores lightly when asleep

5. Remembers why he's laughing

6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself

7. Usually wears some clothes

8. Likes soft foods

9. Remembers where he left his teeth

10. Remembers that it's the weekend

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)

1. Breathing

2. Doesn't miss the toilet

..................................................................................................................................................................................

.

Better than a Flu Shot!

Miss Beatrice,

The church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said,

'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl..

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?

I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.

The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.'

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Because I'm a man!

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling the AA is not an option. I will win.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _____

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, 'I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start.' We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of Holy Communion.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _____

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _____

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like 'cumin' or 'tofu.' For all I know, these are the same thing.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _____

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _____

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator instead (applies to engineers only).
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ ____

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't...and if you are feeling amorous afterwards.. .then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ ___

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. It does not make your rear look too big. It was the pasta and potatoes and Margaritas that did that. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _

Because I'm a man, and this is after all, the year 2009, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest. Like wandering around in the garden with a beer, wondering what to do.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ ____

THIS HAS BEEN A PUBLIC SERVICE MESSAGE TO HELP WOMEN BETTER UNDERSTAND MEN

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HAPPY NEW YEAR 2009

Hi,

I know I am a bit late in wishing you all HAPPY NEW YEAR 2009, but still it’s just the beginning, so wishing my friends and their families a very Happy New Year

May 2009 mark the beginning of a tidal wave of Love, Happiness, Blessings and Bright futures.

Those who need someone special, May you find true love……

Those who need money, May your finances overflow……

Those who need jobs, May you find the perfect one as God will open the windows of Heaven for you……

Those who need care. May you find a good heart….

Those who need friends. May you meet lovely people

Those who need life, May you find GOD.

I wish you all a very Blessed and Prosperous 2009!!!

Lots of Love

MAY GOD BLESS YOU AND BE WITH YOU EVERY MOMENT OF YOUR LIFE IN THE YEAR 2009.