Let's Laugh.....

Prescription for cyanide

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eye got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license!

They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription. "

Robbery
A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands their money. Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man replied, "Yes sir, I did." The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly.

He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man replied, "No sir, I didn't, but my wife did."

Policeman

One night a police officer named Mike was working the grave-yard shift and he drove to his house around 3 A.M. in the morning. He opened the door to the bedroom quietly and took off his clothes in the dark, and got in bed with his wife. Then she said,"Honey, can you go over to the Drug Store and pick me up some Aspirin?" The husband said yes, got dressed in the dark, and walked over to the Drug Store.

When he got to the Drug Store, he got the Aspirin and went up to the desk so that the clerk could ring it up. Then when he got up there, the clerk asked,” Say, Aren't you Mike? "

Mike answered him and said, "Yes I am."

Then the clerk looked puzzled and asked, “Well, isn’t you a police officer?"

And again Mike replied yes.

Then the clerk asked,” Then why are you dressed like the fire chief?"

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tags : cyanide, Policeman. Robbery, husband

Funny quotes and Why men are happier???

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity. - Albert Einstein

The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.
- Robert Frost

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. - Franklin P. Jones

We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like?
- Jean Cocturan

It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.
- Darrin Weinberg

Life is pleasant.

• Death is peaceful.
• It's the transition that's troublesome.
• 
  
• Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.
• Complex problems have simple, easy to understand wrong answers.
• It is not exactly cheating, I prefer to consider it creative problem solving.
• Whoever said money can't buy happiness, didn't know where to shop.
• Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.
• Most people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
• Forgive your enemies but remember their names.
• The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.
• Don’t worry that the world ends today; it’s already tomorrow in Australia!

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Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures?

• Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
• Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
• You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.
• Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
• Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original colour. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
• You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

Tags : pregnant, chocolate, Albert Einstein, Men, Phone, work

pic courtesy : pic courtesy:http://cdemar22.com, 

Marriage--what is it?

1. Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence (a life sentence).

2. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.

3. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her masters.

4. Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring and suffeRING.

5. Married life is full of excitement and frustration: In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the NEIGHBOUR listens.

6. Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that instead.

7. There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.

8. A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.

9. Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.

10. Son: Is it true Dad? I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her. Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!

11. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

12. They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense.

13. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a 10-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

14. There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through HELL.

16. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

17. Eighty percent of married men cheat in America, the rest cheat in Europe.

18. After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin. They just can't face each other, but they still stay together.

19. Marriage is man and a woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

20. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After the marriage the "Y" becomes silent.

21. I married Miss right; I just didn't know her first name was Always.

22. It's not true that married men live longer than single men, it only seems longer.

23. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

24. A man was complaining to a friend: I HAD IT ALL-MONEY, A BEAUTIFUL HOUSE, THE LOVE OF A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, And THEN POW! IT WAS ALL GONE. WHAT HAPPENED, asked his friend. He says MY WIFE FOUND OUT.

25. WIFE: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. HUSBAND: OK, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway lights on.

26. At a cocktail party, one woman said to another: AREN'T YOU WEARING YOUR RING ON THE WRONG FINGER? The other replied, YES, I, AM. I MARRIED THE WRONG MAN.

27. Man is incomplete until he gets married, then he is finished.

28. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

29. A man inserted an ad in the paper - WIFE WANTED. The next day he received a hundred of letters and they all said the same thing - YOU CAN HAVE MINE.

30. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing - either the car is new or the wife is.

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tags : marriage, wife, husband, ring, money, house

pic courtesy: http://www.samedaymarriage.com, 

Start dieting when.....

A picture of you got so heavy and fell off the wall!

You are diagnosed with the flesh-eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live!

You put mayonnaise on an aspirin!

You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts!

Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."!!

You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture!

One day when you got in a fight and the person fighting you got lost in you!

You eat cereal out of a satellite dish!

Your friends exercise by jogging around you!

You sat on a Play station 3 and it turned into a PSP!

You are measured at 38-26-36 and that was just the left arm...!!

When you farted, you launched yourself into orbit!!

When drivers had to swerve to avoid hitting you on the road, they ran out of Petrol!

You could be the eighth continent!

When you auditioned for a part in Raiders of the Lost Ark, you got the part of the big Rolling Ball!

You show up on radar!

You fell into the Grand Canyon....and got stuck!

The firemen use you as a safety catch!!

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tags : Dieting, farted, Grand Canyon, Play Station, Petrol, 

pic courtesy : pic courtesy:http://www.yell.com, 

Just try to remember these points...

1. No one can ruin your day without YOUR permission.

2. Most people will be about as happy, as they decide to be.

3. Others can stop you temporarily, but only you can do it permanently.

4. Whatever you are willing to put up with is exactly what you will have.

5. Success stops when you do.

6. When your ship comes in.... make sure you are willing to unload it.

7. You will never have it all together.

8. Life is a journey...not a destination. Enjoy the trip!

9. The biggest lie on the planet when I get what I want I will be happy.

10. The best way to escape your problem is to solve it.

11. I've learned that ultimately, 'takers' lose and 'givers' win.

12. Life's precious moments don't have value, unless they are shared.

13. If you don't start, it's certain you won't arrive.

14. We often fear the thing we want the most.

15. He or she who laughs......lasts

16. Yesterday was the deadline for all complaints.

17. Look for opportunities...not guarantees.

18. Life is what's coming....not what was.

19. Success is getting up one more time.

20. Now is the most interesting time of all.

21. When things go wrong.....don't go with them.

To enhance your knowledge regarding your health, financial and monetary conditions and wisdom, keep visiting Health, Wealth and Wisdom

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tags : winners, losers, Life, laughs, Opportunities, deadline

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Father's Day Special

"The greatest gift I ever had Came from God, and I call him Dad!”-- Anonymous

"A father is always making his baby into a little woman. And when she is a woman he turns her back again. “-- Enid Bagnold

"The father who does not teach his son his duties is equally guilty with the son who neglects them.”-- Confucius

"Fatherhood is pretending the present you love the most is soap-on-a-rope."-- Bill Cosby

"You know, fathers just have a way of putting everything together.”-- Erika Cosby

"Be kind to thy father, for when thou were young, who loved thee as fondly as he? He caught the first accents that fell from thy tongue, and joined in thy innocent glee. "-- Margaret Courtney

"Role modeling is the most basic responsibility of parents. Parents are handing life's scripts to their children, scripts that in all likelihood will be acted out for the rest of the children's lives."-- Stephen R. Covey

"What a dreadful thing it must be to have a dull father.”-- Mary Mapes Dodge

"To her the name of father was another name for love.”-- Fanny Fern

"Parents can tell but never teach, unless they practice what they preach."-- Arnold Glasow

"When Charles first saw our child Mary, he said all the proper things for a new father. He looked upon the poor little red thing and blurted, 'She's more beautiful than the Brooklyn Bridge. "--Helen Hayes

"To be a successful father...there's one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don't look at it for the first two years.”-- Ernest Hemingway

"The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree: the presence of a happy family all wrapped up in each other."-- Burton Hillis

"I am not caused by my history--my parents, my childhood and development. These are mirrors in which I may catch glimpses of my image."-- James Hillman

"There are fathers who do not love their children; there is no grandfather who does not adore his grandson.”-- Victor Hugo

"You've got to do your own growing, no matter how tall your grandfather was."-- Irish Proverb

"Any woodsman can tell you that in a broken and sundered nest, one can hardly find more than a precious few whole eggs. So it is with the family."-- Thomas Jefferson

"My dear father; my dear friend; the best and wisest man I ever knew, who taught me many lessons and showed me many things as we went together along the country by-ways."-- Sarah Orne Jewett

"When a father gives to his son, both laugh; when a son gives to his father, both cry.”-- Jewish Proverb

"The longer we live the more we think and the higher the value we put on friendship and tenderness towards parents and friends."-- Samuel Johnson

"He was all questions. But small boys expect their fathers to be walking lexicons, to do two jobs at once, to give replies as they are working, whether laying stones or building models...digging up a shrub, or planting flower beds...Boys have a right to ask their fathers questions...Fathers are the powers that be, and with their power and might must shelter, guard, and hold and teach and love...All men with sons must learn to do these things...Too soon, too soon, a small son grows and leaves his father's side to test his manhood's wings. "--Roy Z. Kemp

"My father used to play with my brother and me in the yard. Mother would come out and say, "You're tearing up the grass." "We're not raising grass," my dad would reply, "We’re raising boys."--Harmon Killebrew

"Up to a point a man's life is shaped by environment, heredity, and movements and changes in the world about him. Then there comes a time when it lies within his grasp to shape the clay of his life into the sort of thing he wishes to be. Only the weak blame parents, their race, their times, lack of good fortune, or the quirks of fate. Everyone has it within his power to say, "This I am today; that I will be tomorrow."-- Louis L'Amour

"A man knows he is growing old because he begins to look like his father."-- Gabriel Garcia Marquez

"The love of a father is one of nature's greatest masterpieces."

"The thing to remember about fathers is, they're men. A girl has to keep it in mind: They are dragon--seekers, bent on improbable rescues. Scratch any father, you find someone chock--full of qualms and romantic terrors, believing change is a threat - like your first shoes with heels on, like your first bicycle I it took such months to get. "-- Phyllis Mcginley

"It is much easier to become a father than to be one."-- Kent Nerburn (Letters to My Son: Reflections on Becoming a Man)

"As the family goes, so goes the nation and so goes the whole world in which we live."-- Pope John Paul II

"He who is taught to live upon little owes more to his father's wisdom than he who has a great deal left him does to his father's care.”-- William Penn

"The fundamental defect with fathers is that they want their children to be a credit to them.”-- Bertrand Russell

"Good parents give their children Roots and Wings. Roots to know where home is, wings to fly away and exercise what's been taught them."-- Jonas Salk

"I've been very blessed. My parents always told me I could be anything I wanted. When you grow up in a household like that, you learn to believe in yourself."-- Rick Schroeder

"It doesn't matter who my father was; it matters who I remember he was.”-- Anne Sexton

"It is a wise father that knows his own child."-- William Shakespeare

"My father must have had some elementary education for he could read and write and keep accounts inaccurately”-- George Bernard Shaw

"It is admirable for a man to take his son fishing, but there is a special place in heaven for the father who takes his daughter shopping."-- John Sinor

"The family--that dear octopus from whose tentacles we never quite escape nor, in our inmost hearts, ever quite wish to."-- Dodie Smith

"All the feeling which my father could not put into words was in his hand--any dog, child or horse would recognize the kindness of it."-- Freya Stark

"Children learn to smile from their parents."-- Shinichi Suzuki

"Cultivate your own capabilities, your own style. Appreciate the members of your family for who they are, even though their outlook or style may be miles different from yours. Rabbits don't fly. Eagles don't swim. Ducks look funny trying to climb. Squirrels don't have feathers. Stop comparing. There's plenty of room in the forest."-- Chuck Swindoll

"When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years. "-- Mark Twain

tags : Mark Twain, George Bernard Shaw, William Shakespeare, Victor Hugo

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pic courtesy : http://www.caribbean-media.info, pic courtesy:/www.trevorromain.com, 

This is how Gals rate guyz

Girls' relationship with guys is a bigger mystery than girls themselves. It's not just about boyfriends, we're talking about guy friends that gals have.

Do you have a gal who is just a friend? Are you confused why the frequency of calls increases as exams come closer? Or why she always hangs around with the moron who isn't fit to wear Jeetendra's white shoes? Here's a ready reckoner for you:

* % just a friend % *

Well, you are like a show piece in my house. I will call you whenever I need you. If you call me home the chances are 9 out of 10 times she might say, "Oh Rahul, I am going out can you call me after 2 days??"

Rahul: "Where are you going Sanjana??"

Sanjana: "None of your business" and bangs the phone. (Useless fellow.Hmmph!).

* % Good Friend % *

You are like a TV remote control. I need you and I know that but I try using you when I really need you.

Rahul calls: "Hi Sanjana",

Sanjana: "Hi Rahul. I am going out with family I will call you back. Bye"

(Sanjana eventually calls back after two days)

Sanjana: "What do you want Rahul? Why did you call that day?".

Rahul: "Generally".

Sanjana: "Oh ok. I got to go out. Will call you later. Bye."

Will call when she needs lecture notes or some concert tickets.

* % Very good friend % *

Well you are like the pressure cooker safety value for the girl, she will need you when she wants to bring out her pain or anger on someone. Basically, she wants to talk to you and you are special to her.

Sanjana: "You know Rahul, Shekhar is not eating. He doesn't sleep and is not able to concentrate on his studies. I think he doesn't like me anymore and yesterday I saw him with another girl".

Rahul: "Who is Shekhar??"

Sanjana: "My boyfriend."

Rahul: Oh! Ok. :-(

* % Best Friend % *

You are like the auto rickshaw driver. She can't live without you and don't be mistaken, you are not her boyfriend. But you are allowed to take her little doggie around the park so that he (not you!) can have fun.

Rahul Shopping. Rahul Movie. Rahul Coffee Rahul, you pay. I am having fun.

Rahul is now sure that he should go ahead and propose. He dares.

Sanjana: "But I thought we were just friends. We should remain friends

Rahul. Plus, I have a boy friend you know that."

Rahul: What?? (Rahul drinks all night).

* % Best of the Bestest Friends % *

Ok now you are really special, you are dad-cum-boyfriend- cum-brother- cum-everything, and ultimately you are the darling servant of the girl.

You take her around.

You make her project.

You do her assignments.

You are allowed to take her doggie around.

You can hold hands on the beach.

You can see the sun set with her (because she wants to do everything she drags you along).

But but but... don't be mistaken. She has a boyfriend who works for a huge software company and earns 5 times the salary you earn and has a posh flat in an up class area.

Sanjana: "Hi Rahul. I am getting engaged to Shekhar. Shekhar this is Rahul, he is my bestest friend".

Rahul: Hi Shekhar . (Hand shake. Shekhar breaks Rahul's wrist).

Rahul is now heart broken and wrist broken.

* % Boyfriend %*

Uh... No comments dude. You're already Gone!

For all Rahul type guys? Make sure that you tell Sanjana about Mamta and about Maya? and about Tina also?

This will open Sanjana's eyes!!!!

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Basic rules followed in New Delhi

1. The Other Side Law:

If my side of the road has a traffic jam, then I can start driving on the wrong side of the road, and all incoming cars will be rerouted via Meerut.

2. The Queue Nahin Rule:

If there is a queue of many people, no one will notice me sneaking into the front as long as I am looking the other way.

3. The Mind over Matter Law:

If a red light is not working, four cars from different directions can easily pass through one another.

4. The Auto Axiom:

If I indicate which way I am going to turn my vehicle, it is an information security leak.

5. The In Spit of Thing:

The more I lean out of my car or bus, and the harder I spit, the stronger the roads become.

6. The Cinema Hall Fact:

If I get a call on my mobile phone, the film automatically goes into pause mode.

7. The Brotherhood Law:

If I want to win an argument, I need only to repeatedly suggest that the other person has illicit relations with his sister.

8. The Baraat Right:

When I'm on the road to marriage, all the roads in the city belong to me. To ME.

9. The Heart of Things:

If I open enough buttons on my shirt, the pretty girl at the bus stop can see through my maldeformed chest into the depths of my soul.

10. The Name Game:

It is very important for the driver behind me to memorize the nicknames of my children.

11. Parking up The Wrong Tree:

When I double-park my car, the road automatically widens so that the traffic is not affected.

12. The Chill Bill Move:

When I park and block someone else's car I am giving him a chance to pause, relax, chill and take a few moments off from his rushed day.

13. The Ogling Stare:

If you don't ogle and drool at every hot Chic that passes by, you're gay.

14. The Bus Karo Law:

If I stop my bus at the correct place near the bus stop, the city will explode and blow into 6 million pieces.

15. The VIP Rule:

There are only 6 important persons in this city-Me, I, Myself, Main, Mainu, Assi.

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pic courtesy:http://www.sights-and-culture.com, 

What should you say If you are caught sleeping on the job? Here’s a little help--

"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

"This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."

“I was working smarter - not harder. “

"Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"

"I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"

"This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"

"I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance"

"Actually I'm doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned it at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.

"I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress."

"Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

"The coffee machine is broken...."

”Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."

"Boy that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"

"Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"

"I wasn't sleeping; I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands."

“I'm in the management training program.”

“This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work! “

“I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day. “

“I'm just resting my eyes. “

AND THE #1 BEST THING TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:

"AMEEN"

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pic courtesy:http://pro.corbis.com,

Some tips on French Kissing...

French Kissing tips

The basics

1. Brush your teeth; get a good bath, nicely groomed and clean and fresh, before meeting the other person. There's nothing worse than kissing the rear end of a garbage truck

2. Get into a comfortable position - you can't kiss if your back feels like it's going to break. Suggestion - Sit side by side on a comfy sofa.

3. Hold your lover, firmly but gently - don't cause pain. Suggestion would be to hold the shoulders, the neck or gently on the side of the face, one side or both sides.

4. Move your faces closer. Don't bump noses. Suggestion would be the guy angles his face slightly so you don't bump noses.

5. Kiss gently, normal closed lips kissing, and close your eyes. Closing your eyes increases the sensations you feel, and also sets the mood.

6. Continue kissing gently. Get comfortable with simple closed lips, lip-to-lip kissing before going anywhere else.

7. If fine till here, tentatively, slowly and lightly draw your tongue across the other person's lips.

8. Chances are from here, if the other person lightly parts her tongue; slowly explore the other person's tongue in a light licking motion.

9. The tongue has a very sensitive surface, which is why tongue to tongue the essence in French kissing is.

10. After you've tried lightly licking the other person's tongue, you can try sucking on it, wrestling with it (see if you can hold it to the floor of her mouth) and other things like that.

11. Explore the other areas of the mouth. Especially the roof of the mouth. Lightly lick, or tickle the area with your tongue.

12. Don't bite. Whatever you do, don't bite.

13. Don't swing your tongue round and round like a windmill. Explore lightly, don't drill your way through.

14. Breathe through your nose. Breathe through your nose. I say again, breathe through your nose.

15. Follow so far? You can lightly use your hands too, lightly rubbing the other person. Suggestions, along the waist, along the back, the arms, especially the inside of the arm, the neck, maybe running your fingers through her hair. Again, don't cause pain.

16. Continue kissing.

pic courtesy:/www.links2love.com, 

Some One liners.....

As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two. -- Sir Norman Wisdom

One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that even bargain costs money. -- Edgar Watson Howe

A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your success! -- Doug Larson

A harmful truth is always better then...a useful lie!!! -- Eric Bolton

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me. -- Erno Philips

I only go to work on days that don't end in a 'y'. -- Robert Paul

We spends the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. -- Phyllis Diller

Laughter is the closest distance between two people. -- Victor Borge

Start every day with a smile and get it over with. -- W.C. Fields

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else. -- Will Rogers

Always get married early in the morning? That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day. -- Mickey Rooney

Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work or prison. -- Tim Allen

If you never want to see a man again, say, 'I love you, I want to marry you. I want to have children...’ - they leave skid marks. -- Rita Rudner

I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens. -- Woody Allen

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.

-- Erica Jong

Doesn’t take life too seriously; you'll never get out of it alive. -- Elbert Hubbard

Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.

-- Wendell Johnson

In life, it's not who you know that's important, its how your wife found out.

-- Joey Adams

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me. -- Henry Youngman

Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born? -- Benny Hill

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Swami Vivekananda said so.....

For my own part I will be incarnated two hundred times, if that is necessary to do what I have undertaken amongst my people.

All my patriotism is gone. Everything is gone. Now it's only Mother, Mother!

My ideal, indeed, can be put into a few words, and that is to preach unto mankind their divinity, and how to make it manifest in every movement of life.

Religion is the manifestation of the divinity already in man.

Religion is the idea which is raising the brute unto man, and man unto God.

The secret of religion lies not in theories but in practice. To be good and do good - that is the whole of religion.

Man is higher than all animals, than all angels; none is greater than man.

One may gain political and social independence, but if one is a slave to his passions and desires, one cannot feel the pure joy of real freedom.

Look at the wall. Did the wall ever tell a lie? It is always the wall. Man tells a lie and becomes a god, too. After so much austerity, I have understood this as the real truth - God is present in every jiva; there is no other God besides that. 'Who serves jiva, serves God indeed.'

Cut out the word help from your mind. You cannot help; it is blasphemy! You worship. When you give a morsel of food to a dog, you worship the dog as God. He is all, and is in all.

Unselfishness is God. One may live on a throne, in a palace, and be perfectly unselfish; and then he is in God. Another may live in a hut and wear rags, and have nothing in the world; yet if he is selfish, he is intensely merged in the world.

All nations have attained greatness by paying proper respect to women. That country and that nation which do not respect women have never become great, nor will ever be in future.

With five hundred men ... the conquest of India might take fifty years: with as many women, not more than a few weeks.

Religion and religion alone is the life of India, and when that goes, India will die, in spite of politics, in spite of social reforms, in spite of Kubera's wealth poured upon the head of every one of her children.

Before flooding India with socialistic or political ideas, first deluge the land with spiritual ideas.

We want to lead mankind to the place where there is neither the Vedas, nor the Bible, nor the Koran; yet this has to be done by harmonizing the Vedas, the Bible, and the Koran.

Mankind ought to be taught that religions are but the varied expressions of THE RELIGION, which is Oneness, so that each may choose the path that suits him best.

Who will give the world light? Sacrifice in the past has been the Law; it will be, alas, for ages to come. The earth's bravest and best will have to sacrifice themselves for the good of many, for the welfare of all.

Truth, purity, and unselfishness - whenever these are present, there is no power below or above the sun to crush the possessor thereof. Equipped with these, one individual is able to face the whole universe in opposition.

Everything can be sacrificed for truth, but truth cannot be sacrificed for anything.

The highest ideal is eternal and entire self-abnegation, where there is no 'I', but is Thou'.

By work alone, men may get to where Buddha got largely by meditation or Christ by prayer. Buddha was a working Jnani, Christ was a Bhakta, but the same goal was reached by both of them.

All expansion is life, all contraction is death.

All love is expansion, all selfishness is contraction. Love is therefore the only law of life. He who loves lives, he who is selfish is dying. Therefore love for love's sake, because it is law of life, just as you breathe to live.

The national ideals of India are Renunciation and Service. Intensity her in those channels, and the rest will take care of itself.

Good motives, sincerity, and infinite love can conquer the world. One single soul possessed of these virtues can destroy the dark designs of millions of hypocrites and brutes.

Take up one idea. Make that one idea your life - think of it, dream of it, live on idea. Let the brain, muscles, nerves, every part of your body, be full of that idea, and just leave every other idea alone. This is the way to success

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Dilbert’s One Liners

I say no to drugs they just don't listen

A friend in need is a pest indeed.

Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.

Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time.

When everything comes in your way you're in the wrong lane.

The light at the end of the tunnel may be an incoming train.

Born free taxed to death.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.

Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.

If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.

It's not hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere.

I love being a writer... what I can't stand is the paperwork.

A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.

The hardest part of skating is the ice.

My phone number is 17. We got one of the early ones.

The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot.

The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.

The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.

In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?

If you tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe, he'll believe you. But if you tell him a park bench has just been painted, he has to touch it to be sure.

I had a friend once. Then the rope broke and he got away.

If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?

Beat the 5 O'clock rush, leave work at noon!

If you can't convince them, confuse them.

It's not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Hot glass looks same as cold glass. - Cunino's Law of Burnt Fingers

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

The cigarette does the smoking you are just the sucker.

Someday is not a day of the week.

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Did You Know This?

1. Coca-Cola was originally green.

2. the most common name in the world is Mohammed.

3. The name of all the continents ends with the same letter that they start with.

4. The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

5. There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.

6. TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row! Of the keyboard.

7. Women blink nearly twice as much as men!!

8. You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.

9. Both Humans and Giraffe have the same number of bones in the neck

10. People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you sneeze, Your Heart stops for a millisecond.

11. It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.

12. The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.

13. If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die.

14. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents great king from history.

Spades - King David

Clubs - Alexander the Great,

Hearts - Charlemagne

Diamonds - Julius Caesar.

15. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987, 654,321

16. If a statue of a person in the park on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle.

17. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle.

18. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of Natural causes.


19. What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and Laser printers all have in common?

Ans. - All invented by women.

20. Question - This is the only food that doesn't spoil. What is this?

Ans. - Honey

21. A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

22. A snail can sleep for three years.

23. All polar bears are left handed.

24. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive From each salad served in first-class.

25. Butterflies taste with their feet.

26. Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

27. In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

28. On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.

29. Shakespeare invented the word 'assassination' and 'bump'.

30. Stewardesses are the longest word typed with only the left hand.

31. The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

32. The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

33. The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the Body to squirt blood 30 feet.

34. Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over million descendants.

35. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.

36. The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

37. Most lipstick contains fish scales.

38. Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different

39. There is a Butterfly in Brazil which has the color of chocolates and also smells like Chocolate.

40. Giraffe can clean there ears with their tongue

41. It is impossible to lick your elbow.

42. And finally 99% of people who read this would try to lick their Elbow now..

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How would you like to Kiss??

1) ANGEL KISS -- This is a sweet, comforting kiss. Gently and ever so lightly kiss your partner either on the eye lid or right next to the eyes.

2) CHEEK KISS-- A friendly, "I really like you" kiss. Often the preferred kissing method of a first date. With your hands on your partner's shoulders, gently brush your lips across her cheek.

3) BUTTERFLY KISS-- With your faces less than a breath away, open and close your eyelids against your partners. If done correctly, the fluttering sensation will match the one in your heart.

4) FREEZE KISS-- Experiment with this fun kiss. Put a small piece of ice in your mouth, then open mouth and kiss your partner, passing them the ice with your tongue. It's an erotic and sensual French kiss with a twist of cold.

5.) EARLOBE KISS-- Gently sip and suck the earlobe. Avoid louder sucking noises as ears are sensitized noise detectors.

6.) ESKIMO KISS – With your faces less than a breath apart, gently rub your noses together.

7.)EYE KISS – Hold your partner's head with both hands and slowly move their head in the direction you wish your kiss to go... then slowly kiss up towards your partner's eyes and give them a tender kiss on top of their closed eyes.

8.) EYELID KISS – While your partner is resting/sleeping with eyes closed, very gently kiss the spot right below their browbone. A very intimate kiss.

9.) FRENCH KISS-- The kiss involving the tongue. Some call this the "Soul Kiss"

Because the life and soul are thought to pass through the mouth's breathe in the exchange across tongues.

10.) FOREHEAD KISS-- The "motherly" kiss or "just friends" kiss. The forehead kiss can be a comforting kiss to anyone. Simply brush your lips lightly across the crown of their head.

11.) FOOT KISS – An erotic and romantic gesture. It may tickle, but relax and enjoy it! To give a toe kiss by gently suck the toes and then lightly kissing the foot. It helps to gently massage the base of the foot while performing the kiss.

12.) FREEZE KISS (OR MELT KISS) – Experiment with this fun kiss. Put a small piece of ice in your mouth, then open mouth and kiss your partner, passing them the ice with your tongue. It's an erotic and sensual French kiss with a twist of cold.

13.) FRUITY KISS – Take a small piece of fruit and place between your lips (juicy fruits such as grapes, strawberries, small pieces of pineapple or mango are ideal). Kiss your partner and nibble one half of the piece of fruit while they nibble the other until it breaks in half, allowing the juice to run into your mouths.

14.) HICKEY KISS The object is not to draw blood, but to gently leave a mark that will prove your interlude was not a dream. This is often included in erotic foreplay.

15.) HAND KISS-- Gently raise her hand to your lips. Lightly brush your lips across the top of her hand. Historically this kiss was performed with a bow, which showed deference to a lady.

16.) HOT/COLD KISS-- Get a cold drink and put some in your mouth. Have your partner gets a hot drink and puts some in their mouth. You then French kiss leaving a sensational feeling.

17.) HOSTAGE KISS – Cover your lips with tape and get your love's attention. When they come near, make noises like you're trying to tell them something and motion as if you can't get the tape off. Once they remove the tape from you to hear what you're trying to say tell them: "I've been saving my lips all day just for you!" Then kiss your love passionately!

18.) LETTER KISS--Send your lover a kiss in a love letter by writing the letter x several times in a row at the bottom of a letter such as XXXXX.

19.) LIP SUCKING KISS-- When kissing gently suck on their lower lip. This can be very exciting.

20.) LICK KISS – Just before kissing, gently run your tongue along you partners lip whether it is the top or bottom one depending on the position of your lips. Very sensual.

21.) MISTLETOE KISS-- Surprise your lover by capturing them with a gentle holiday kiss under the mistletoe. This is also a good method for shyer individuals to steal a kiss from a potential lover.

22.) NECK KISS-- Come up behind the person you want to kiss. Lightly lick the back of their neck, then kiss the back of their neck a few times.

23.) NECK NIBBLE KISS--Gently nibble up and down your partners neck. End with a gentle kiss on the lips.

24.) NIP KISS-- This kiss can create a very erotic sensation. While kissing your partner, ever so gently nibble on their lips.

You must be very careful not to bite to hard or hurt your partner. When done correctly, this kiss ignites wonderful sensations.

25.) REVERSE LIPS KISS – It involves standing above your lover and kissing them from over their head. This way, each kisser can take the hyper-sensitive bottom lip of their lover in their mouths, and GENTLY draw blood to the surface of the lip by nibbling and sucking. A very sensuous, connecting kiss.

26.) SHOULDER KISS-- Simply come from behind, embrace her, and kiss the top of her shoulder. This is a sensual, loving kiss.

27.) SIP KISS-- Take a small sip of your favorite drink. Leaving a little bit of it on your lips, kiss your partner. It is a unique way to create a sensual feeling and your partner will enjoy it.

28.) STOMACH KISS--Gently kiss and nibble on your partners stomach, and sometimes it leads to other things.

29.) SEARCHING THE CAVERN - Use the lips and tongue to gently tickle and kiss your lover's navel. Vary speeds and stroke to change sensation. Invigorating and intoxicating.

30.) TALKING KISS-- Whisper sweet nothings into your partner's mouth.

If caught in the act, simply say, "I wasn't kissing her. I was whispering into her mouth."

31.) TIGER KISS-- Quietly sneak up behind your partner making sure they do not know what you are going to do. Out of the blue, grab them and gently bite their neck. Make sure to get a few good growls in too. This will surely surprise them.

32.) TONGUE KISS-- While French kissing your partner, gently suck their tongue while it's in your mouth. This produces a wonderful, erotic feeling for both!

33.)TEASER KISS – Starting on the forehead, a sweet short kiss on lips, then move up the arms up to her hand, kiss her hand, then come back up her arm, to her face and then lightly kiss her lips till she wants a passionate kiss.

34.) THE BUZZING KISS – Gently place your lips against your lover's neck , behind their ear. Now, send a shudder through their skin by gently growling and humming, vibrating your lips and cheeks as you do so. Move up and down the neck, over the bones of the face and lips. Stimulating and erotic when done correctly.

35.) TRICKLE KISS – Take a sip of a favourite drink and trickle it slowly into partner's mouth while kissing.

36.) TONGUE SUCKING – A variation of the French kiss. During an open-mouth kiss gently suck on your partner's tongue (not too hard because it may hurt). Very sexy.

37.) QUICKIE KISS-- When you're in a rush. Often the nose gets it rather than the lips.

38.) UPSIDE DOWN KISS-- You stand behind your partner (who is seated or laying down) and have them tilt their head back.

Then kiss them so that you nibble their lower lip and they nibble yours.

This is fun and feels good because you can feel them breathing on your neck as you kiss.

39.) UNDERWATER KISS-- Find your partner under water. Embrace and kiss. It's a unique and wonderful feeling. By the time you run out of air, you'll be back at the top. Continuing the kiss is optional.

40.) UNDERWATER DEEP END KISS-- Dive to the bottom of the deep end of a pool. Find your partner under water and begin kissing. Continue as you rise to the top.

41.) VACUUM KISS-- While kissing open-mouthed, slightly suck in as if you were sucking the air from your partners mouth.

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