Husband and wife

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter!
Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once.
TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!
We need more butter. Oh my GOD!
WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL!
I said be CAREFUL!
You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never!
Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY?
Have you LOST your mind?
Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

********************************************************************

A smartly attired lady was walking down the street when she was

accosted

by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking

homeless woman who asked her for a couple of

dollars for dinner.

She took out her wallet, removed ten dollars and

asked,

'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with

it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the

homeless woman told her.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying

food?' the lady asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless

woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying

to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of

food?' the lady asked.

'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman.

I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well, the lady said, 'I'm not going to give you the

money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for

dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your

husband be furious with you for doing that? I know

I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

The lady replied, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up

shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

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Be a nice person....

A boy and a girl were playing together. The boy had a collection of marbles. The girl had some sweets with her. The boy told the girl that he will give her all his marbles in exchange for her sweets. The girl agreed.

The boy kept the biggest and the most beautiful marble aside and gave the rest to the girl. The girl gave him all her sweets as she had promised.

That night, the girl slept peacefully. But the boy couldn't sleep as he kept wondering if the girl had hidden some sweets from him the way he had hidden his best marble.

Moral of the story: If you don't give your hundred percent in a relationship, you'll always keep doubting if the other person has given his/her hundred percent.. This is applicable for any relationship like love, friendship, employer-employee relationship etc., Give your hundred percent to everything you do and sleep peacefully “

"Its Nice To Be an important Person . But, It is more Important to be a Nice Person."

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Inspirational Quotes

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Some Good SMS

A good Friend is like a computer he ENTERS in your life SAVE himself in your heart,FORMATS all your troubles and never DELETE you from his heart.

u r stupid 
s 4 super .. t 4 talented .. u 4 unique .. p 4 pesron .. i 4 in .. d 4 demand 

u r a donkey 
d 4 decent .. o 4 outclass .. n 4 nice .. k 4 kind .. e 4 excelent .. y 4 young

This cat, is cat, a cat, good cat, way cat, to cat, keep cat, a cat, idiot cat, busy cat, for cat, 20 cat, seconds cat! Now read it all without the word cat!

one day Love and friendship met. Love asked-when i already exist why are you here? friendship replied "to make faces smile when u leave the tears!!!" Friendship is the best thing in the world as there is no scope for tears if your friend is good.

If all my friends were to jump off a bridge, I wouldn't jump with them, I'd be at the bottom to catch them. 

To handle yourself, use your head; To handle others, use your heart.

Smile a while and while you smile, smile another smile and soon there will be miles and miles of smile just because you smiled, I wish your day is full of SMILE

a friend is sweet when it is new... it is sweeter when it is true.... but you know that..... it is the sweetest when it is u..."

Meaning of Friendship : - F-------FOREVER , R-------RESPONCIBLE , I--------INTELLIGENT , E-------EAGER TO MAIL , N-------NICE , D-------DIVINE , S--------SIMPLE , H-------HEARTLY , I--------INTERSTED , P-------PEACEFUL 

We gathered in a large hall, an angel asked us 2 write down our sins b4 going to
heaven,b4 i could start writing mine, i heard u shouting : EXTRA SHEET PLEASE!!

Breaking News: Now call charges will b charged according 2 ur brain size, smaller
the size cheaper will b the call rates. Congratulation, u can make free CALLS.......

'"Shut Up'''
S=surprises 4 u
H=happiness 4 u
U=unlimited love 4 u
T=true passion 4 u
U=u alwayz in my mind
P=praying 4 u
So again..
Shut Up......

Police man== Stop, stop, your headlights are not working.
The Man== Move, move, even the brakes are not working.

Gud Morning... Kindly observe SILENCE for two minutes in the memory of those poor mosquitoes who died last night after sucking ur blood. Thanks

Medicines & friendships cure our problems. The only difference is that friendships don't have an expiry date

A strong n positive attitude creates more miracles than any other thing coz life is 10% how u make it n 90% how u take it. Good Morning

In life when you get troubles, don't get nervous... Just close ur eyes and follow ur heart coz heart may be in left but it is always right

When you are successful, your wellwishers know who you are but when you are unsuccessful, you know who your wellwishers are!

If you are stressed, you'll get pimples... if you cry, you'll get wrinkles... So, 
why don't you smile & get dimples? Keep smiling.

FOOL se, FOOL ne, FOOLon ki FOOLwari me FOOL ke sath wish kiya 'You are the most beautiFOOL, colorFOOL & wonderFOOL amongst all FOOLS

Judge: U r crossing the limits.
Lawyer: Kaun Saala aisa kehta hai?
Judge: How dare you call me saala?
Lawyer: My Lod, I said kaun 'Sa Law' kehta hai?

What do u call a woman in heaven?
An Angel A crowd of woman in heaven?
A host of Angels
And all woman in heaven?
PEACE ON EARTH!

What did Tarzan think when he saw a dead Cheetah?
Wow! New Underwear.

Fill in the blank with yes or NO only.
_______I M NOT A Male.
Koi jaldi nahin hai, aaram se soch kar bata dena.

Unlike others your brain is a masterpiece. In the left half, nothing is right and in the right half, nothing is left.

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You are in Heaven.....

Rob kissed his wife, crawled into bed and fell asleep. All of a
Sudden, he woke up to find an elderly man dressed in a white robe
Standing at the foot of his bed.

" What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?... And who are you?"
He asked.

" This is not your bedroom," the man replied, " I am St. Peter, and
You are in heaven."

" WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too
Young," said Rob. "I want you to send me back immediately."

" It's not that easy", said St.Peter. " You can only return as a
Dog or a hen. The choice is yours."

Rob thought about it for a while, and figured that being a dog is
Too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life.

" I want to return as a hen."

And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really
Nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna
Blow. Then along came another hen.

" Hey, you must be the new hen St. Pe! Ter told me about," she said.
" How do you like being a hen?"

" Well, OK I guess, but it feels like my ass is about to explode."

" Oh that!" said the other hen. " That's only the ovulation going
On. You need to lay an egg."

" How do I do that?"  Rob asked.

" Cluck twice, and then push all you can."

Rob clucked twice and pushed more than he was good for, and then
' plop' an egg was on the ground.

" Wow" Rob said, " That felt really good!"

So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that
There was another egg on the ground.

The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout:

" Rob, for Christ's sake! Wake up! You're shittin' all over the
Bed!"

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Which's better, the former or the latter???

Dad used to give us Rs. 20/- per month, 
in that we were not only able to eat stomachs fill, but we were able to save too!!! 
Now we earn a sum of 20K, we have no idea where it goes, let alone saving it!! 
Which's better, the former or the latter??? 

6 subjects per year, 6 different teachers! 
One Job profile since we joined and just one manager!! 
Which's better, the former or the latter??? 


We used to make notes; we used to study for ranks!!         
Now we scan thru our mails; we struggle for our ratings!!!         
Which's better, the former or the latter??? 

We have still not forgotten the people in the next section!!!         
Now we don't even know who sits in the next cubicle!!! 


Which's better, the former or the latter??? 

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Some Expiry dates

Food

Beer
Unopened: 4 months.

Brown sugar
Indefinite shelf life, stored in a moistureproof container in a cool, dry place.

Chocolate (Hershey bar)
1 year from production date

Coffee, canned ground
Unopened: 2 years
Opened: 1 month refrigerated

Coffee, gourmet
Beans: 3 weeks in paper bag, longer in vacuum-seal bag (After this time, color or flavor may be affected, but product is still generally safe to consume.)
Ground: 1 week in sealed container

Coffee, instant
Unopened: Up to 2 years
Opened: Up to 1 month

Diet soda (and soft drinks in plastic bottles)
Unopened: 3 months from "best by" date.
Opened: Doesn't spoil, but taste is affected.

Dried pasta
12 months

Frozen dinners
Unopened: 12 to 18 months

Frozen vegetables
Unopened: 18 to 24 months
Opened: 1 month

Honey
Indefinite shelf life

Juice, bottled (apple or cranberry)
Unopened: 8 months from production date
Opened: 7 to 10 days

Ketchup
Unopened: 1 year (After this time, color or flavor may be affected, but product is still generally safe to consume.)
Opened or used: 4 to 6 months (After this time, color or flavor may be affected, but product is still generally safe to consume.)

Maple syrup, real or imitation
1 year

Maraschino cherries
Unopened: 3 to 4 years
Opened: 2 weeks at room temperature; 6 months refrigerated

Marshmallows
Unopened: 40 weeks
Opened: 3 months

Mayonnaise
Unopened: Indefinitely
Opened: 2 to 3 months from "purchase by" date (After this time, color or flavor may be affected, but product is still generally safe to consume.)

Mustard
2 years (After this time, color or flavor may be affected, but product is still generally safe to consume.)



Olives, jarred (green with pimento)
Unopened: 3 years
Opened: 3 months

Olive oil
2 years from manufacture date (After this time, color or flavor may be affected, but product is still generally safe to consume.)

Peanuts
Unopened: 1 to 2 years unless frozen or refrigerated
Opened: 1 to 2 weeks in airtight container

Peanut butter, natural
9 months

Peanut butter, processed (Jif)
Unopened: 2 years
Opened: 6 months; refrigerate after 3 months

Pickles
Unopened: 18 months
Opened: No conclusive data. Discard if slippery or excessively soft.
Protein bars (PowerBars)
Unopened: 10 to 12 months. Check "best by" date on the package.

Rice, white
2 years from date on box or date of purchase

Salad dressing, bottled
Unopened: 12 months after "best by" date
Opened: 9 months refrigerated

Soda, regular
Unopened: In cans or glass bottles, 9 months from "best by" date
Opened: Doesn't spoil, but taste is affected

Steak sauce
33 months (After this time, color or flavor may be affected, but product is still generally safe to consume.)

Tabasco
5 years, stored in a cool, dry place

Tea bags (Lipton)
Use within 2 years of opening the package

Tuna, canned
Unopened: 1 year from purchase date
Opened: 3 to 4 days, not stored in can

Soy sauce, bottled
Unopened: 2 years
Opened: 3 months (After this time, color or flavor may be affected, but product is still generally safe to consume.)

Vinegar
42 months

Wine (red, white)
Unopened: 3 years from vintage date; 20 to 100 years for fine wines
Opened: 1 week refrigerated and corked

Worcestershire sauce
Unopened: 5 to 10 years (After this time, color or flavor may be affected, but product is still generally safe to consume.)
Opened: 2 years

Household Products

Air freshener, aerosol
2 years

Antifreeze, premixed
1 to 5 years

Antifreeze, concentrate
Indefinite

Batteries, alkaline
7 years

Batteries, lithium
10 years

Bleach
3 to 6 months

Dish detergent, liquid or powdered
1 year

Fire extinguisher, rechargeable
Service or replace every 6 years

Fire extinguisher, nonrechargeable
12 years

Laundry detergent, liquid or powdered
Unopened: 9 months to 1 year
Opened: 6 months

Metal polish (silver, copper, brass)
At least 3 years

Miracle Gro, liquid
Opened: 3 to 8 years

Miracle Gro, liquid, water-soluble
Indefinite

Motor oil
Unopened: 2 to 5 years
Opened: 3 months

Mr. Clean
2 years

Paint
Unopened: Up to 10 years
Opened: 2 to 5 years

Spray paint
2 to 3 years

Windex
2 years

Wood polish (Pledge)
2 years 

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10 most stupid questions people usually ask in obvious situations.

1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends...

Stupid Question:-

Hey, what are you doing here?

Answer:-

Dont u know, I sell tickets in black over here..

2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on

your feet...

Stupid Question:-

Sorry, did that hurt?

Answer:-

No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.....why don't you try again.

3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask...

Stupid Question:-

Why, why him, of all people.

Answer:-

Why? Would it rather have been you?

4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter

Stupid Question:-

Is ! the "Butter Paneer Masala" dish good??

Answer:-

No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occassionaly also

spit in it.

5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after

years...

Stupid Question:-

Munna, Chickoo, you've become so big.

Answer:-

Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.

6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...

Stupid Question:-

Is the guy you're marrying good?

Answer:-

No,he's a miserable wife-beating , insensitive lout...it's just the

money.

7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...

Stupid Question:-

Sorry. were you sleeping?

Answer:-

No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or

not. You thought I was sleeping....you dumb witted moron.

8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...

Stupid Question:-

Hey have you had a haircut?

Answer:-

No, its autumn and I'm shedding......

9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth...

Stupid Question:-

Tell me if it hurts?

Answer:-

No it wont. It will just bleed.

10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks...

Stupid Question:-

Oh, so you smoke.

Answer:-

Gosh, it's a miracle .......it was a piece of chalk and now it's in

flames!!!