Dilbert’s One Liners

I say no to drugs they just don't listen

A friend in need is a pest indeed.

Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.

Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time.

When everything comes in your way you're in the wrong lane.

The light at the end of the tunnel may be an incoming train.

Born free taxed to death.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.

Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.

If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.

It's not hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere.

I love being a writer... what I can't stand is the paperwork.

A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.

The hardest part of skating is the ice.

My phone number is 17. We got one of the early ones.

The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot.

The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.

The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.

In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?

If you tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe, he'll believe you. But if you tell him a park bench has just been painted, he has to touch it to be sure.

I had a friend once. Then the rope broke and he got away.

If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?

Beat the 5 O'clock rush, leave work at noon!

If you can't convince them, confuse them.

It's not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Hot glass looks same as cold glass. - Cunino's Law of Burnt Fingers

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

The cigarette does the smoking you are just the sucker.

Someday is not a day of the week.

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Did You Know This?

1. Coca-Cola was originally green.

2. the most common name in the world is Mohammed.

3. The name of all the continents ends with the same letter that they start with.

4. The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

5. There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.

6. TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row! Of the keyboard.

7. Women blink nearly twice as much as men!!

8. You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.

9. Both Humans and Giraffe have the same number of bones in the neck

10. People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you sneeze, Your Heart stops for a millisecond.

11. It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.

12. The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.

13. If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die.

14. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents great king from history.

Spades - King David

Clubs - Alexander the Great,

Hearts - Charlemagne

Diamonds - Julius Caesar.

15. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987, 654,321

16. If a statue of a person in the park on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle.

17. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle.

18. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of Natural causes.


19. What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and Laser printers all have in common?

Ans. - All invented by women.

20. Question - This is the only food that doesn't spoil. What is this?

Ans. - Honey

21. A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

22. A snail can sleep for three years.

23. All polar bears are left handed.

24. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive From each salad served in first-class.

25. Butterflies taste with their feet.

26. Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

27. In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

28. On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.

29. Shakespeare invented the word 'assassination' and 'bump'.

30. Stewardesses are the longest word typed with only the left hand.

31. The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

32. The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

33. The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the Body to squirt blood 30 feet.

34. Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over million descendants.

35. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.

36. The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

37. Most lipstick contains fish scales.

38. Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different

39. There is a Butterfly in Brazil which has the color of chocolates and also smells like Chocolate.

40. Giraffe can clean there ears with their tongue

41. It is impossible to lick your elbow.

42. And finally 99% of people who read this would try to lick their Elbow now..

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How would you like to Kiss??

1) ANGEL KISS -- This is a sweet, comforting kiss. Gently and ever so lightly kiss your partner either on the eye lid or right next to the eyes.

2) CHEEK KISS-- A friendly, "I really like you" kiss. Often the preferred kissing method of a first date. With your hands on your partner's shoulders, gently brush your lips across her cheek.

3) BUTTERFLY KISS-- With your faces less than a breath away, open and close your eyelids against your partners. If done correctly, the fluttering sensation will match the one in your heart.

4) FREEZE KISS-- Experiment with this fun kiss. Put a small piece of ice in your mouth, then open mouth and kiss your partner, passing them the ice with your tongue. It's an erotic and sensual French kiss with a twist of cold.

5.) EARLOBE KISS-- Gently sip and suck the earlobe. Avoid louder sucking noises as ears are sensitized noise detectors.

6.) ESKIMO KISS – With your faces less than a breath apart, gently rub your noses together.

7.)EYE KISS – Hold your partner's head with both hands and slowly move their head in the direction you wish your kiss to go... then slowly kiss up towards your partner's eyes and give them a tender kiss on top of their closed eyes.

8.) EYELID KISS – While your partner is resting/sleeping with eyes closed, very gently kiss the spot right below their browbone. A very intimate kiss.

9.) FRENCH KISS-- The kiss involving the tongue. Some call this the "Soul Kiss"

Because the life and soul are thought to pass through the mouth's breathe in the exchange across tongues.

10.) FOREHEAD KISS-- The "motherly" kiss or "just friends" kiss. The forehead kiss can be a comforting kiss to anyone. Simply brush your lips lightly across the crown of their head.

11.) FOOT KISS – An erotic and romantic gesture. It may tickle, but relax and enjoy it! To give a toe kiss by gently suck the toes and then lightly kissing the foot. It helps to gently massage the base of the foot while performing the kiss.

12.) FREEZE KISS (OR MELT KISS) – Experiment with this fun kiss. Put a small piece of ice in your mouth, then open mouth and kiss your partner, passing them the ice with your tongue. It's an erotic and sensual French kiss with a twist of cold.

13.) FRUITY KISS – Take a small piece of fruit and place between your lips (juicy fruits such as grapes, strawberries, small pieces of pineapple or mango are ideal). Kiss your partner and nibble one half of the piece of fruit while they nibble the other until it breaks in half, allowing the juice to run into your mouths.

14.) HICKEY KISS The object is not to draw blood, but to gently leave a mark that will prove your interlude was not a dream. This is often included in erotic foreplay.

15.) HAND KISS-- Gently raise her hand to your lips. Lightly brush your lips across the top of her hand. Historically this kiss was performed with a bow, which showed deference to a lady.

16.) HOT/COLD KISS-- Get a cold drink and put some in your mouth. Have your partner gets a hot drink and puts some in their mouth. You then French kiss leaving a sensational feeling.

17.) HOSTAGE KISS – Cover your lips with tape and get your love's attention. When they come near, make noises like you're trying to tell them something and motion as if you can't get the tape off. Once they remove the tape from you to hear what you're trying to say tell them: "I've been saving my lips all day just for you!" Then kiss your love passionately!

18.) LETTER KISS--Send your lover a kiss in a love letter by writing the letter x several times in a row at the bottom of a letter such as XXXXX.

19.) LIP SUCKING KISS-- When kissing gently suck on their lower lip. This can be very exciting.

20.) LICK KISS – Just before kissing, gently run your tongue along you partners lip whether it is the top or bottom one depending on the position of your lips. Very sensual.

21.) MISTLETOE KISS-- Surprise your lover by capturing them with a gentle holiday kiss under the mistletoe. This is also a good method for shyer individuals to steal a kiss from a potential lover.

22.) NECK KISS-- Come up behind the person you want to kiss. Lightly lick the back of their neck, then kiss the back of their neck a few times.

23.) NECK NIBBLE KISS--Gently nibble up and down your partners neck. End with a gentle kiss on the lips.

24.) NIP KISS-- This kiss can create a very erotic sensation. While kissing your partner, ever so gently nibble on their lips.

You must be very careful not to bite to hard or hurt your partner. When done correctly, this kiss ignites wonderful sensations.

25.) REVERSE LIPS KISS – It involves standing above your lover and kissing them from over their head. This way, each kisser can take the hyper-sensitive bottom lip of their lover in their mouths, and GENTLY draw blood to the surface of the lip by nibbling and sucking. A very sensuous, connecting kiss.

26.) SHOULDER KISS-- Simply come from behind, embrace her, and kiss the top of her shoulder. This is a sensual, loving kiss.

27.) SIP KISS-- Take a small sip of your favorite drink. Leaving a little bit of it on your lips, kiss your partner. It is a unique way to create a sensual feeling and your partner will enjoy it.

28.) STOMACH KISS--Gently kiss and nibble on your partners stomach, and sometimes it leads to other things.

29.) SEARCHING THE CAVERN - Use the lips and tongue to gently tickle and kiss your lover's navel. Vary speeds and stroke to change sensation. Invigorating and intoxicating.

30.) TALKING KISS-- Whisper sweet nothings into your partner's mouth.

If caught in the act, simply say, "I wasn't kissing her. I was whispering into her mouth."

31.) TIGER KISS-- Quietly sneak up behind your partner making sure they do not know what you are going to do. Out of the blue, grab them and gently bite their neck. Make sure to get a few good growls in too. This will surely surprise them.

32.) TONGUE KISS-- While French kissing your partner, gently suck their tongue while it's in your mouth. This produces a wonderful, erotic feeling for both!

33.)TEASER KISS – Starting on the forehead, a sweet short kiss on lips, then move up the arms up to her hand, kiss her hand, then come back up her arm, to her face and then lightly kiss her lips till she wants a passionate kiss.

34.) THE BUZZING KISS – Gently place your lips against your lover's neck , behind their ear. Now, send a shudder through their skin by gently growling and humming, vibrating your lips and cheeks as you do so. Move up and down the neck, over the bones of the face and lips. Stimulating and erotic when done correctly.

35.) TRICKLE KISS – Take a sip of a favourite drink and trickle it slowly into partner's mouth while kissing.

36.) TONGUE SUCKING – A variation of the French kiss. During an open-mouth kiss gently suck on your partner's tongue (not too hard because it may hurt). Very sexy.

37.) QUICKIE KISS-- When you're in a rush. Often the nose gets it rather than the lips.

38.) UPSIDE DOWN KISS-- You stand behind your partner (who is seated or laying down) and have them tilt their head back.

Then kiss them so that you nibble their lower lip and they nibble yours.

This is fun and feels good because you can feel them breathing on your neck as you kiss.

39.) UNDERWATER KISS-- Find your partner under water. Embrace and kiss. It's a unique and wonderful feeling. By the time you run out of air, you'll be back at the top. Continuing the kiss is optional.

40.) UNDERWATER DEEP END KISS-- Dive to the bottom of the deep end of a pool. Find your partner under water and begin kissing. Continue as you rise to the top.

41.) VACUUM KISS-- While kissing open-mouthed, slightly suck in as if you were sucking the air from your partners mouth.

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The Company You Keep

It is better to be alone, than in the wrong company. Tell me who your best friends are, and I will tell you who you are.

If you run with wolves, you will learn how to howl, but, if you associate with eagles, you will learn how to soar to great heights.

"A mirror reflects a person's face, but what they are really like is shown by the kind of friends they choose."

The simple but true fact of life is that you become like those with whom you closely associate - for both good and bad reasons.

The less you associate with some people, the more your life will improve.

Any time you tolerate mediocrity in others, it increases your mediocrity.

An important attribute in successful people is their impatience with negative thinking and negative acting people.

As you grow, your associates will change. Some of your friends will not want you to go on.

They will want you to stay where they are. Friends that don't help you climb; will want you to crawl. Your friends will stretch your vision not choke your dream.

Those that don't increase you will eventually decrease you.

Consider this: never receive counsel from unproductive people.

Never discuss your problems with someone incapable of contributing to the solution, because those who never succeed themselves are always first to tell you how.

Not everyone has a right to speak into your life. You are certain to get the worst of the bargain when you exchange ideas with the wrong person.

Don't follow anyone who's not going anywhere.

With some people you spend an evening. With others you invest it.

Be careful where you stop to inquire for directions along the road of life.

Wise is the person who fortifies his life with the right friendships.

Make choices wisely, for they will influence your life always.

Marriages

Marriage - Part ITypical macho man married typical good-looking lady. And after the wedding, he laid down the following Rules:
“I’ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, Fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my Old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about It. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, “No, that's fine with me. Just Understand that there will be sex here at seven O'clock every night......... Whether you're here or not.”

(DAMM SHE'S GOOD!)

Marriage (Part II)Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, " When you die, I'm getting you a Headstone that reads:
“Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever”

“Yeah?" she replies. “When you die, I'm getting you a Headstone that reads:
"Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last”

(HE ASKED FOR IT!)
Marriage (Part III)Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and Says, “And you are no good in bed either,"
And storms out of the house.

After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the Phone after many rings, and the irritated husband Says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?”

She says, “I was in bed."

“In bed this early, doing what?"

“Getting a second opinion!"

(YEP, HE HAD THAT ONE COMING, TOO!)
Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his Achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, “Mother of Six" in spite of her Objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his Voice, “Shall we go home 'Mother of six?'

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of Discretion, shouts right back, “Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

(RIGHT ON, LADY!)
Marriage (Part V) the Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early Morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first
To break the silence (and LOSE),

He wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the Man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and See why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a Piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

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Mahatma Gandhi said so………..

He, who concentrates on anyone thing with singleness of purpose, will ultimately acquire the capacity to do everything.

Nothing can work without rules. The entire solar system would go to pieces if there were even a momentary breach of the rules governing it.

Even-mindedness is the best of all learning.

The true mark of success in life is the growth of tenderness and maturity in a man. In order, to know himself man must come out of his shell and view himself dispassionately.

Evil by itself has no legs to stand up.

A man is but the products of his thoughts what he thinks, he becomes.

If I have the belief that I can do it, I will surely acquire the capacity to do it even if I may not have it at the beginning.

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.

It is unwise to be too sure of one’s own wisdom. It is healthy to be reminded that the strongest might weaken and wiser might err.

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What you have to say about these intelligent people?

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:

Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."

Also read How does the Stock Market work?

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3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???

An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from own his bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY!

A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked at the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT???

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a line-up. When detectives asked each man in the line-up to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

Must read Greediness pays badly

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??

A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!

In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellllllooooooo!)

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