Ok it's enough....Let's laugh

Bad Day at work---read it…

Think of this guy the next time you think you are having a bad day!

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.

Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to Laughline, who was sponsoring a "worst job experience" contest. Needless to say, she won.

Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit.

This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of shit sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working is, I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.
The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.

Now since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my ass.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with 5 other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive.

I was instructed to make 3 agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling 35 minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter
running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my ass as soon as I get in the chamber.

The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for 2 days because my asshole was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ass!

Tight lines and calm seas,
Richard

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The Polite Way to Pee!

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:
'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'

Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'

The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite.

What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'

'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'
Johnny said 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'

The teacher fainted...
********************************************************************************

Lady's night out

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out - both were very faithful and loving wives.
However, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk & walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat down next a grave that had a wreath with ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.

The next day, one woman's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, 'These dam girls' night out have got to stop - I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties.'

You think that's bad' said the other husband, 'Mine is lying in bed with a card stuck in her bum that says....

"From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you"

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Can you speak these lines??

1. If you understand, say "understand”. If you don't understand, say "don't understand". But if you understand and say "don't understand". How do I understand that you understand? Understand!

2. I wish to wish the wish you wish to wish, but if you wish the wish the witch wishes, I won't wish the wish you wish to wish.

3. Sounding by sound is a sound method of sounding sounds.

4. A sailor went to sea to see, what he could see. And all he could see was sea, sea, sea.

5 .Purple Paper People, Purple Paper People, Purple Paper People

6 .If two witches were watching two watches, which witch would watch which watch?

7. I thought a thought. But the thought I thought wasn't the thought I thought I thought. If the thought I thought I thought had been the thought I thought, I wouldn't have thought so much.

8. Once a fellow met a fellow in a field of beans. Said a fellow to a fellow, "If a fellow asks a fellow, Can a fellow tell a fellow What a fellow means?"

9. Mr Inside went over to see Mr. Outside. Mr. Inside stood outside and called to Mr. Outside inside. Mr. Outside answered Mr. Inside from inside and Told Mr. Inside to come inside. Mr. Inside said "NO", and told Mr. Outside to come outside. Mr. Outside and Mr. Inside argued from inside and outside about going outside or coming inside. Finally, Mr. Outside coaxed Mr. Inside to come inside, and then both Mr. Outside and Mr. Inside went outside to the riverside.

10. SHE SELLS SEA SHELLS ON THE SEA SHORE, BUT THE SEA SHELLS THAT SHE SELLS; ON THE SEA SHORE ARE NOT THE REAL ONES

11. The owner of the inside inn was inside his inside inn with his inside outside his inside inn.

12. If one doctor doctors another doctor does the doctor who doctors the doctor doctor the doctor the way the doctor he is doctoring doctors? Or does the doctor doctor the way the doctor who doctors doctors?
"When a doctor falls ill another doctor doctor's the doctor. Does the doctor doctoring the doctor doctor the doctor in his own way or does the doctor doctoring the doctor doctors the doctor in the doctor's way"

13. We surely shall see the sun shine shortly. Whether the weather be fine, Or whether the weather be not, Whether the weather be cold Or whether the weather be hot, We'll weather the weather Whatever the weather, Whether we like it or not. watch? Whether the weather is hot. Whether the weather is cold. Whether the weather is either or not. It is whether we like it or not.

14.Nine nice night nurses nursing nicely.

15.A flea and a fly in a flue Said the fly "Oh what should we do" Said the flea" Let us fly Said the fly"Let us flee" So they flew through a flaw in the flue

16.If you tell Tom to tell a tongue-twister his tongue will be twisted as tongue-twister twists tongues.

17.Mr. See owned a saw.And Mr. Soar owned a seesaw. Now See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw Before Soar saw See, Which made Soar sore.Had Soar seen See's saw Before See sawed Soar's seesaw, See's saw would not have sawed Soar's seesaw. So See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw.But it was sad to see Soar so sore Just because See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw.....

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There is always a way

You are stronger than anything standing in your way. Because you have a purpose that cannot be denied.



Often that purpose is difficult and inconvenient to follow. Yet it is never impossible to follow.



There is always a way. If the path you're on is blocked, look for another route, because it is surely there.



You can be flexible, innovative, determined and persistent. You can imagine any possibility, and then work to make that possibility real.



Every moment, every circumstance, every turn of events presents you with an opportunity to act. Take those opportunities, make those actions come to life, and express the purpose that is uniquely you.



Step up and embrace the responsibility for moving your life forward. Whatever may come, there is always a way.



-- Ralph Marston

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Some great quotes...

Accept the challenges, so that you may feel the exhilaration of victory. -General George S. Patton

Success is the good fortune that comes from aspiration, desperation, perspiration and inspiration. -Evan Esar


Knowing is not enough; we must apply. Willing is not enough; we must do. -Johann Wolfgang von Goethe


You never fail until you stop trying. -Florence Griffith Joyner


Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do. -Benjamin Spock


It is your attitude and not your aptitude that determines your altitude. -Zig Zigler


Dream is not what you see in sleep. It is something that does not let you sleep. -Abdul Kalam


Plan your work and work your plan. -Napolean Hill


Your problem is never really your problem, your reaction to your problem is your problem. -Brian Kinsey

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Positive Thoughts One Must Remember in Life.......

Too often we don't realize
What we have until it is gone.
Too often we wait too late to say
"I'm sorry - I was wrong."

Sometimes it seems we hurt the ones
We hold dearest to our hearts;
And we allow foolish things
To tear our lives apart.

Don't quit when the tide is lowest
For it's just about to turn.
Don't quit your doubts and questions,
For there's something you may learn.

Don't quit when the night is darkest.
For it's just a while until dawn.
Don't quit when you've run the farthest,
For the race is almost won.

Don't quit when the hill is steepest.
For your goal is almost nigh.
Don't quit, for you're not a failure
Until you fail to try.

Far too many times we let
Unimportant things into our minds;
And then it's usually too late
To see what made us blind.

So be sure that you let people know
How much they mean to you.
Take the time to say the words
Before your time is through.

Be sure that you appreciate
Everything you've got;
And be thankful for the little things
In life that mean a lot.


Thoughts become actions

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He can't consume like the first two....

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Happy Diwali....