Wonderful English from Around the World

> > In a Bangkok temple :

> > IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A

> > MAN.

> > Cocktail lounge, Norway :

> > LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

> > Doctors office, Rome :

> > SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

> > Dry cleaners, Bangkok :

> > DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

> > In a Nairobi restaurant :

> > CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

> > On the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi:

> > TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

> > On a poster at Kencom :

> > ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.

> > In a City restaurant :

> > OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

> > In a cemetery :

> > PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN

> > GRAVES.

> > Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations :

> > GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS

> > IN BED.

> > On the menu of a Swiss restaurant :

> > OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

> > In a Tokyo bar :

> > SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

> > Hotel, Yugoslavia :

> > THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE

> > CHAMBERMAID.

> > Hotel, Japan :

> > YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

> > In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery :

> > YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND

> > SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

> > A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest :

> > IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT

> > PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN

> > ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

> > Hotel, Zurich :

> > BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE

> > SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS

>> PURPOSE.

> > Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand :

> > WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

> > Airline ticket office, Copenhagen :

> > WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

> > A laundry in Rome :

> > LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A

GOOD TIME.

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Happy Navratri

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Some nice quotes..

Prayer is not a "spare wheel" that you pull out when in trouble,
But it is a "steering wheel" that directs the right path throughout.
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Do you know why a Car's WINDSHIELD is so large


The Rearview Mirror is so small?

Because our PAST is not as important as our FUTURE.

Look Ahead and Move on.

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Friendship is like a BOOK.

It takes few seconds to burn,

but it takes years to write.

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All things in life are temporary.

If going well,

Enjoy it,

They will not last forever.

If going wrong, don't worry,

They can't last long either.

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Old Friends are Gold!

New Friends are Diamond!

If you get a Diamond,

Don't forget the Gold!

Because to hold a Diamond, you always need a Base of Gold!

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Often when we lose hope

And

Think this is the end,

GOD smiles from above and says,

"Relax, sweetheart,

it's just a bend,

Not the end!

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When GOD solves your problems,

You have faith in HIS abilities;
When GOD doesn't solve your problems

HE has faith in your abilities.


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@


A blind person asked Swami Vivekanand:

"Can there be anything worse than losing eye sight?"

He replied:

"Yes, losing your vision!"
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@


When you pray for others,

God listens to you and blesses them,
And sometimes,

When you are safe and happy,

Remember that someone has prayed for you.

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WORRYING does not take away tomorrow's TROUBLES,

It takes away today's PEACE.
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

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U and I....

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Why Fishing is better than SEX?

When you go fishing and you catch something, that's good. If you're making love and you catch something, that's bad.

Fish don't compare you to other fishermen neither and don't want to know how many other fish you caught.

In fishing you lie about the one that got away. In loving you lie about the one you caught.

You can catch and release a fish, you don't have to lie and promise to still be friends after you let it go.

You don't have to necessarily change your line to keep catching fish.

You can catch a fish on a 20-cent night crawler. If you want to catch a woman you're talking dinner and a movie minimum.

Fish don't mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishing

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Different ways of looking at things......

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and
Family values.

Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'

___________________________________________

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my
Intelligence come from?'

The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother,
Cause I still have mine.'

___________________________________________

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court
Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'

'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and
Then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'

___________________________________________

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room,
Took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife
At all.'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really
Good with the kids.'

___________________________________________

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has
Been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words
That were used to put the curse on you.'

The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

___________________________________________

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:

1. The DNA all matches.

2. There are no dental records.

___________________________________________

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll
Take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'

The agent replies, 'Just a minute'

'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.

___________________________________________

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

'How was he killed?' asked one detective.

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.

'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'

'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

___________________________________________

Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'

Joe: 'Really?'

Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'

___________________________________________

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and
Asks him how he is feeling.

'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in
Surgery,' he answered.

'What did he say,' asked the nurse.

'Oops!'
!

___________________________________________

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display
Of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since
I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's
Advice.

'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'

'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

He's still in intensive care.

___________________________________________

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap
Of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by
Even more thunder rumbling in the distance...

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's
There.'

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Husband and wife

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter!
Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once.
TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!
We need more butter. Oh my GOD!
WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL!
I said be CAREFUL!
You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never!
Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY?
Have you LOST your mind?
Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

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A smartly attired lady was walking down the street when she was

accosted

by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking

homeless woman who asked her for a couple of

dollars for dinner.

She took out her wallet, removed ten dollars and

asked,

'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with

it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the

homeless woman told her.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying

food?' the lady asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless

woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying

to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of

food?' the lady asked.

'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman.

I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well, the lady said, 'I'm not going to give you the

money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for

dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your

husband be furious with you for doing that? I know

I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

The lady replied, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up

shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

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