Lets laugh

An insect fell in a mug of beer:

Englishman : throws the beer out and walks off the bar 
American : throws the insect out and drinks his beer 
Chinese : throws the beer out and eats the insect 
Indian : sells the beer to the American, insect to the Chinese 
and buys a new beer 
Pakistani :-- accuses Indian of throwing the insect in the beer 
-- relates the issue to Kashmir 
-- yells Islam is in danger 
-- asks the Chinese for military aid 
-- asks the American for loan to buy another beer.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Wonderful definitions of designations at office: 

1) Project Manager is a Person who thinks nine women can deliver a baby in One month. 

2) Tool Designer is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a Baby. 

3) Plant Head is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month. 

4) Client is the one who doesn't know why he wants a baby. 

5) Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available. 

6) Value engineering Team thinks they don't need a man or woman; they'll produce a child with zero resources. 

7) Documentation Team thinks they don't care whether the child is delivered, they'll just document 9 months. 

8) Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with the PROCESS to produce a baby. 

And lastly................. 

9) Quality Inspector is a person who always tells his wife that this is not the Right baby.

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Nun going for Halloween party

A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies:
'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you..'

She answers,
'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

She responds,
'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'

'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK.
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.

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Peace of mind

Once Buddha was walking from one town to another town with a few of his followers. This was in the initial days. While they were traveling, they happened to pass a lake. They stopped there and Buddha told one of his disciples, "I am thirsty. Do get me some water from that lake there." 

The disciple walked up to the lake. When he reached it, he noticed that right at that moment, a bullock cart started crossing through the lake. As a result, the water became very muddy, very turbid. The disciple thought, "How can I give this muddy water to Buddha to drink!" 

So he came back and told Buddha, "The water in there is very muddy.. I don´t think it is fit to drink." After about half an hour, again Buddha asked the same disciple to go back to the lake and get him some water to drink. The disciple obediently went back to the lake. 

This time too he found that the lake was muddy. He returned and informed Buddha about the same. After sometime, again Buddha asked the same disciple to go back. 

The disciple reached the lake to find the lake absolutely clean and clear with pure water in it. The mud had settled down and the water above it looked fit to be had. So he collected some water in a pot and brought it to Buddha. 

Buddha looked at the water, and then he looked up at the disciple and said," See
what you did to make the water clean. You let it be.... and the mud settled
down on its own - and you got clear water.  

 Your mind is also like that! When it is disturbed, just let it be. Give it a little time. It will settle down on its own. You don´t have to put in any effort to calm it down. It will happen. It is effortless."   

What did Buddha emphasize here? He said, "It is effortless." Having `Peace of Mind´ is not a strenuous job; it is an effortless process! 

In life everything goes on........... ......Keep Going. 

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Dentist with a sense of humor....

The other day, a gentleman went to a Dentist's office to have a tooth pulled.  The Dentist takes out a freezing needle to give him a shot. 

"No way"! No needles! "I hate needles", the man said. The Dentist starts to  hook up the laughing gas and the man immediately objected.

"I can't do the gas thing either; the thought of having the gas mask on is  suffocating me"! The Dentist then asks the gentleman if he has any objection  to taking a pill.

"No objection", the man said. "I'm fine with pills". The Dentist then returns  and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet". The gentleman, totally at a loss for words,  said in amazement, "WOW"! "I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer"!

"It doesn't", said the Dentist, "but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth"

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pics courtesy : http://www.stickboydaily.com/images/2010/04/i-hate-the-dentist.jpg, 

Adultery Excitement

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those Headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

“No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me To Stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat

"I do not Have a Headache;

I do not have a headache,

I do not have a headache."

It Worked!   The headaches are all gone."

The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball Of Fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

The husband agrees to try it

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his Clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.

He Puts her on The bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into The Bathroom and comes back. A few minutes later and jumps into bed And makes Passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes Back Into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than The First time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With That, He goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the Bathroom, She sees him standing at the mirror and saying,

"She's not my Wife.

She's Not my wife.

She's not my wife..."

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The Ex-President of India DR. A. P. J. Abdul Kalam 's Speech in Hyderabad . *

                                     

Why is the media here so negative?
Why are we in India so embarrassed to recognize our own strengths,our achievements?

We are such a great nation.

We have so many amazing success stories but we refuse to acknowledge them.

Why?

We are the first in milk production.
We are number one in Remote sensing satellites.
We are the second largest producer of wheat.
We are the second largest producer of rice.

Look at Dr. Sudarshan, he has transferred the tribal village into a  self-sustaining, self-driving unit.

There are millions of such achievements but our media is only obsessed in the bad news and failures and disasters.

I was in Tel Aviv once and I was reading the Israeli newspaper. It was the day after a lot of attacks and bombardments and deaths had taken place. The Hamas had struck.

But the front page of the newspaper had the picture of a Jewish gentleman who in five years had transformed his desert into an orchid and a granary.  

It was this inspiring picture that everyone woke up to. The gory details of killings, bombardments, deaths, were inside in the newspaper, buried among other news.

In India we only read about death, sickness, terrorism, crime. Why are we so NEGATIVE?

Another question:

Why are we, as a nation so obsessed with foreign things?

We want foreign TVs, we want foreign shirts.

We want foreign technology.

Why this obsession with everything imported. Do we not realize that self-respect comes with

self-reliance? I was in Hyderabad giving this lecture, when a 14 year old girl asked me for my autograph.

I asked her what her goal in life is. She replied: I want to live in a developed India    

For her, you and I will have to build this developed India.  You must proclaim.

India is not an under-developed nation; it is a highly developed   nation.

Do you have 10 minutes? Allow me to come back with a vengeance.

Got 10 minutes for your country? If yes, then read; otherwise, choice is yours.

YOU say that our government is inefficient.
YOU say that our laws are too old.
YOU say that the municipality does not pick up the garbage.
YOU say that the phones don't work, the railways are a joke,
The airline is the worst in the world, mails never reach their destination.
YOU say that our country has been fed to the dogs and is the absolute pits.

YOU say, say and say.What do YOU do about it?

Take a person on his way to Singapore

Give him a name - YOURS.

Give him a face - YOURS.

YOU walk out of the airport and you are at your International best.

In Singapore you don't throw cigarette butts on the roads or eat in the stores.

YOU are as proud of their Underground links as they are.

You pay $5 (approx. Rs. 60) to drive through

Orchard Road (equivalent of Mahim Causeway or Pedder Road) between 5 PM and 8 PM.

YOU come back to the parking lot to punch your parking ticket if you have over stayed in a restaurant or a shopping mall irrespective of your status identity...

In Singapore you don't say anything, DO YOU?

YOU wouldn't dare to eat in public during Ramadan,in Dubai .

YOU would not dare to go out without your head covered in Jeddah.

YOU would not dare to buy an employee of the telephone exchange in London at 10 pounds

( Rs.650) a month to 'see to it that my STD and ISD calls are billed to someone else.'

YOU would not dare to speed beyond 55 mph (88 km/h) in Washington and then tell the traffic cop, 'Jaanta hai main kaun hoon (Do you know who I am?).

I am so and so's son. Take your two bucks and get lost.'

YOU wouldn't chuck an empty coconut shell anywhere other than the garbage pail on the beaches in Australia and New Zealand .

Why don't YOU spit Paan on the streets of Tokyo?

Why don't YOU use examination jockeys or buy fake certificates in Boston ???

We are still talking of the same YOU.

YOU who can respect and conform to a foreign system in other countries but cannot in your own.

You who will throw papers and cigarettes on the road the moment you touch Indian ground.

If you can be an involved and appreciative citizen in an alien country, why cannot you be the same here in India ?

Once in an interview, the famous Ex-municipal commissioner of Bombay , Mr.Tinaikar , had a point to make. 'Rich people's dogs are walked on the streets to leave their affluent droppings all over the place,' he said. 'And then the same people turn around to criticize and blame the authorities for inefficiency and dirty pavements.

What do they expect the officers to do?

Go down with a broom every time their dog feels the pressure in his bowels?

In America every dog owner has to clean up after his pet has done the job.
Same in Japan .

Will the Indian citizen do that here?'

He's right. We go to the polls to choose a government and after that forfeit all responsibility.

We sit back wanting to be pampered and expect the government to do everything for us whilst our contribution is totally negative.

We expect the government to clean up but we are not going to stop chucking garbage all over the place nor are we going to stop to pick a up a stray piece of paper and throw it in the bin.

We expect the railways to provide clean bathrooms but we are not going to learn the proper use of bathrooms.

We want Indian Airlines and Air India to provide the best of food and toiletries but we are not going to stop pilfering at the least opportunity.

This applies even to the staff who is known not to pass on the service to the public.

When it comes to burning social issues like those related to women, dowry, girl child!

and others, we make loud drawing room protestations and continue to do the reverse at home.

Our excuse?

'It's the whole system which has to change, how will it matter if I alone forego my sons' rights

to a dowry.'

So who's going to change the system?

What does a system consist of ?

Very conveniently for us it consists of our neighbours, other households, other cities, other communities and the government.

But definitely not me and YOU.

When it comes to us actually making a positive contribution to the system we lock ourselves

along with our families into a safe cocoon and look into the distance at countries far away

and wait for a Mr.Clean to come along & work miracles for us with a majestic sweep of his hand

or we leave the country and run away. 

Like lazy cowards hounded by our fears we run to America to bask in their glory and praise their system.

When New York becomes insecure we run to England .

When England experiences unemployment, we take the next flight out to the Gulf.

When the Gulf is war struck, we demand to be rescued and brought home by the Indian government.

Everybody is out to abuse and rape the country. Nobody thinks of feeding the system.

Our conscience is mortgaged to money.

Dear Indians, The article is highly thought inductive, calls for a great deal of introspection and pricks one's conscience too....

I am echoing J. F. Kennedy 's words to his fellow Americans to relate to Indians.....

'ASK WHAT WE CAN DO FOR INDIA AND DO WHAT HAS TO BE DONE TO MAKE INDIA
WHAT AMERICA AND OTHER WESTERN COUNTRIES ARE TODAY'

Lets do what India needs from us.

Forward this mail to each Indian for a change instead of sending Jokes or junk mails.

Thank you,

Dr. Abdul Kalaam

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pic courtesy : http://www.topnews.in/files/A.%20P.%20J.%20Abdul-Kalam.jpg,

Roles – and How We Play Them

Whenever I'm disappointed with my spot in life, I stop and think about little Jamie Scott. Jamie was trying out for a part in a school play. His mother told me that he had his heart set on being in it, though she feared he would not be chosen. On the day the parts were announced, I went with her to collect him after school. Jamie rushed up to her, eyes shining with pride and excitement. "Guess what, Mum," he shouted, and then said those words that remain a lesson to me: "I've been chosen to clap and cheer."

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pic courtesy : http://consumax.net/consumaxblog/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/Cu%C3%A1les_son_los_roles_de_la_direcci%C3%B3n.jpg,